New Creation Blues

waar kan ek wegkruip?

2010-09-21T11:20:00.002+02:00

die waarheid is 'n pynlike bogger-- nes jy dink jy weet wie jy is dan glip die realiteit uit jou vuis soos 'n seepglad jellievis, en dan brand hy boonop nog die kak uit jou. die probleem daarmee om jou suksess in die openbliek te trompetter, is dat jy darem te sku is om dieselfde met jou mislukkings te doen. dis seker omdat hulle moelik is om vir selfs jouself te erken. dit maak nie saak hoeveel keer jy oorbegin nie, jy sal jouself elke keer inhaal en dit is maar wors: die prentjie is nooit volmaak of selfs mooi nie.

hier praat ek dan nou kwansuis afrikaans net om erens my lee woorde die eter in te kan slinger, sonder dat die mensdom bewus word van my dorian gray-skildery in die keller. fok die wit geppleisterde grafstene. ek is dan self een. laat god dan maar weet dat ek 'n verlore seun is wat die pad byster geraak het. ek is te sjoepit om selfs te besef dat ek eerder wil huitoe gaan. kom haal my, papa. ek gaan net hier in my gemors sit tot jy iets groots doen.

A new person?

2009-09-07T09:32:00.004+02:00

Have not been here for a long time. A lot has happened. Difficult to put into words. So I am just going to pick up where I am now.

I have been using some tools that I have known about for a while and some I discovered recently, to work with my stuff. The first is a new technique called EFT http://123eft.com/ which is amazing. It seems to good to be true but it really works. I am not sure it would work without the other tool called Theophostics, which relies on God taking you to memories where lies about yourslef have become implanted, where he then imparts truth to replace the lie.

EFT is a simple method to "tap" on acupuncture points while focusing on issue that you are struggling with. This morning I was struggling with an issue of defensiveness regarding belonging to a worship team. I was really struggling with letting go of my resistance to 2 members of the team. I tapped on the resistance and the feelings of aloneness and being an outsider, as well as being "defective", where the resitance/stubbornness originates, came up. The Lord took me to the time in my childhood where it came from, as a cover to deal with my sense of abandonment at the time. I wept and tapped, scaled my relief on a level from 1-10 and tapped again. Then the Lord gave me the truth about myself, as a person that is crusty and unyielding only as a denfence agains my feeling alone when I was a little boy. He told me who I really am: a compassionate, soft, caring person, the way he made me. He told me that it was ok to not be hard anymore. I will never be alone again.

It is so real. Of course it is not over until it is over. I will chronicle the journey here :)

I have moved!

2007-04-30T11:15:00.000+02:00

HI there everybody. I have moved this blog to www.dunxnud.wordpress.com
This is because I can write my blog directly from Firefox. Cool hey? So reset your rss feed readers to that address!
Blessings
Duncan

same-old-same-old

2007-03-12T09:01:00.000+02:00

Father,
Today everything seems a little paler, a little grayer. No amount of pulling myself up by my bootstraps will make seem right. I really just get tired of things just not going quite right. I am not dissatisfied, don't get me wrong. I have been satisfied by you too many times to think that you aren't FOR me. You are great, and I have no complaints against you. The problem is me. I feel discouraged, listless, and I just can't afford to feel like that. I need to be positive, act decisively, create an aura of confidence in my clients. But the truth is that I have little confidence. Only you can sell this Town House, father. I am sacrificing ALL my commission so that the first sale will go through, but even that is no guarantee. I just don't have the strength. What is it Lord? Why do I feel so low? If I felt well and positive, then I wouldn't be daunted by this setback. So where do I get this internal completeness form that I lack?

I need it from you, Lord. I need you to make me feel like I can do anything. I know your word says that I can do all things through Christ Jesus that gives me strength. (Phil 4.13) But will the strength come as I do it, or will I feel stronger after I have done it and it has worked?

M. Scott Peck says that life is hard. So does John Eldredge. John goes further to say that "The glory of God is man fully alive". God, let your Kingdom come then and let your glory come. Let me be fully alive. Right now I feel fully zombie.

The Unthinkable has Happened!

2007-01-17T10:28:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I flew to Durban to be with my dad who turned 80. This in itself was feat of quite some extraordinary magic as only the Lord can produce. Through a most amazing circumstance I have reestablished contact with an old lover from times gone by, and some healing occurred. During a councelling session with my shrink processing this led to some memories about my dad coming up. In processing these, I came to the unthinkable insight that my father may not always thoughtlessly have been out to hurt and belittle me. Perhaps some of what he did he did with the genuine desire to spend time with me and do good to me. (Sure he did some stupid things, but even those he only did because he was wired that way: I know how often I have hurt my own kids in the same way!)

So the upshot of it was that yesterday I spent the day with him alone. We talked and drank some wine and had a meal and so on, and besides the fact that I think much healing occurred in me which I will only see realised in the years to come, I know he enjoyed it and it valued him in ways I never imagined.

Only a week ago this would have seemed impossible. Through a confluence of circumstance to strange to describe, the Lord has reconnected me with an ex (who remains such!) and through the contributions of my brother and sister, we had a great day with minimal inconvenience on a practical level.

I think that now we will be relating as adults more than as blamed adult and hurt child. Who knows where the future will lead?!

down-down

2007-01-04T06:33:00.000+02:00

its all supposed to be
verry verry jolly
the new year is at hand
great
but deep inside my heart
the fear pools coldly
if only i could stop
stop
If only I could
if only I
If only
If

meaning comes and goes
there's never enough of it
its like lunch
you seem to need it once day
I mean how much can one person eat?
what do we do over and over again
that we should need so much refilling
?

I feel so empty
I can't even think pretty
I feel so
THUD
every morning when I wake up
when will it end?
I have so much
to thank God for
and yet again
I slide
down-down

I think it has to do
with starting all over again
every time I take time off
i remember how much effort
it takes to just go on
i suppose when i get going again
it will be better
but there's no guarantee
oh well
what choice do I have
but only to believe
it will someday get better.

but moving swiftly along
before you call a shrink
God, preserve me from myself
there's somebody out to get me
hold me before he succeeds.
i won't do his job for him
but only barely.
does just dying count?

oh my goodness

2007-01-03T17:28:00.000+02:00

I hate it when this happens
Just when I thought I had the answer
the question strikes back
and morphs again to be
something different again

WHAT'S THE EFFING QUESTION?

So needy I seem to be
so much I hate that state
I beg for crumbs
from those to which
I least want to appear needy.

I can't help it
This poem is going wrong
maybe its not an effing poem anyway
maybe its just a confession/ranting
of a confused, angry
46 year old
white
Afrikaans
not-so-x gay man

I used to be able to sing John Denver's songs
Until I learned to sing
effing thousands of Rands
spent to become the world's greatest tenor
Now I struggle to catch
that wonderful free melody
that he spins so easily
what a bummer.

jesus please come soon
If I don't recapture that joy that's past
I'd better find some new joy
Otherwise I will go mad

sistematise veralangens
in die holtes van my murg gevang
gehokkie in segmente
saam met honderdduisend stukkies bang
verdraaide woord vergader
in my polsende plesier
al my duistere emosies word in donkerde verduur

verledeblare dirtel-dartel neer
op sedimente van my gisterhart seer
rooibruin die vuur wat in baie tinte brand
en verlangens koester
soos 'n uurglas sonder sand

bykorfelemente van 'n sirkelsimfonie
al draaiend in die ronde soos 'n passieparodie
verdraaide woord vergader
in my polsende plesier
al my duistere emosies word in donkerte verduur
word
word in donkerte verduur
in donkerte verduur
word in donkerte verduur
word in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduur

o fok

Ex-Gay Watch #4

2006-12-14T14:10:00.000+02:00

Regardless of whether you believe your homosexuality came with you into this life or developed, this last sentence is a very important realization. Many in your position do not figure this out or, if they do, will not admit it. (a quote by a poster on Ex-Gay Watch where I wrote this.

The irony is that, in my search for identity, which manifested itself in many different efforts to conform, the "gay" identity was one of the most "real"! When I turned my back on homosexuality as a lifestyle, I abandoned that identity at the threshold of my new life. So my "new creation" identity was hardly anything more than a new attempts to earn love and acceptance through conformity. But based on an emptiness, the new identity was a often stressful and in the end was part of what caused the breakdown of the church plant I mentioned. I was trying my best to please the congregants but they saw through it. Coupled with their own "stuff" it turned toxic. That last bit is by the way, but because I was alienated from myself as I was/am, not only could I not experience God's compassion for myself, they were not able to experience God's compassion through me. Get it? The moment I remembered that gay self I abandoned, and saw how tenderly God saw/loved him/me, my gay identity sowed the seeds that may very well lead to greater healing! Weird, isn't it?

This of course has great implications for others who want to transition out of homosexuality. The church may expect them to turn over a new leaf. They may be accepted as long as the gay past it truly a thing of the past. The moment that a gay identity begins to assert itself, the church may lose hope/patience and can't figure out what to do. The gay person could feel guilty/like a failure, and lose hope. (This is not what happened to me. I never received anything less than wonderful support and understanding) Of course the first thing that is likely to happen is that the (safe/well-known) gay habits kick in. Because there is no legitimate outlet for those feelings, porn/trolling/whatever may ensue. During this extremely traumatic time (after I stepped down as pastor to take time to recover, never during my time as minister) I suddenly developed a taste for pornography. (I never "fell", I was never caught out). Anything would do, but a lot of it was gay. Ironically this provided the first real breakthrough in my councelling process. (I am ashamed of this last bit of info, but all the key people in my life know. I have software on my computer to protect me and my family and an accountability partner who is the administrator of the software.) But in line with what I mentioned before, the likelihood is that this gay identity that manifested itself in this way, is a part of key to future growth!

Ex-Gay Watch #3

2006-12-14T14:08:00.000+02:00

I am not fooling myself that I am more than a person on a journey, but if we as "ex-gays" are honest, (and that goes for your as gays as well) we are all on a journey.

Perhaps a dream I had would illustrate. I was in a deep dark swimming pool which had all sorts of muck in it (all the issues of my past which I have to process to heal and grow). From outside the pool a sort of machine (in SA we call it a creepy-crawly - a pool-cleaning machine) was lowered into the pool and started sucking the water out of the pool. I got out of the pool, and found Glen (my lover of 5 years - the one who said I couldn't have been gay to start with if I was going to go straight) and my wife sitting next to each other on the side of the pool. I walked up to Glen and tenderly kissed him on the mouth (non-sexually but lovingly) and then did the same to my wife. For me these two facets of me (gay and straight) were cooperating to help me grow and heal. I deeply respect Glen because he never expected me to change. He accepted me just the way I was, disco-bunny and all. (I remember another intellectual, a friend of Glen's who was around when I met him, asking him what he saw in me. He didn't dignify it with an answer as far as I can remember, but he stayed around and loved me for 5 lovely years) Glen introduced me to family. His parents and family all accepted him (and me) as we were. Remember that was in the 80's!

Only recently I realised that I mourned the friendship and love I had with him, which I lost when I gave up the gay lifestyle. He was justifiably very angry with me and rejected me. (We were not together at the time. He had moved to London 2 years before). The funny thing was that when I realised that I was deeply sorrowful about the love that I had lost there (he never "sent me on my way" but we ended badly) I connected to my "gay" self and a deep healing started to occur. This person who I had become in those 12 years I was actively gay, was and is an integral part of me which I should not deny or suppress. I will carry that person with me into the future.

Ex-Gay Watch #2

2006-12-14T14:06:00.000+02:00

I must be honest, I don't have the strength to debate. I realise that one cannot be anything without it somehow seeming like an indictment to somebody else. Our very existence as people who have made a choice against homosexuality as a preferred lifestyle choice, is perceived as an accusation by some. Of course, when we make the choice, we need to justify it. It is such a radical decision it is just as well to know why one does it ;-). As of this moment, it is as much to do with my wife and children as anything else. Maybe more. But I wouldn't go back. I love my wife and she and my kids are God's greatest gift to me besides my growing sense of self-respect and love. My whole world works well the way it is. If I had to lose my family for some reason (God forbid!) I would really stay the way I am. My whole support system is heterosexual. And I don't want to be gay. In my case it was a good plan to make sense of a chaotic childhood. I truly believe that my journey is towards heterosexuality as a by-product of Christ-likeness. And no, I don't know if it is the same for you, but I do know that Jesus has compassion for me the way I am and for you the way you are.

Does that mean that I am sliding towards a sort of post-modern relativism as far as the whole issue goes? No, I don't think so. I still believe that it was never God's intention for me to be gay and also for you. I believe that homosexuality is a product of the fall, as much as anything else in this world. Make of that what you will. But I don't think you are bad because you are gay, any more than I think I am bad because I have an over-developed desire to please people in order to be loved. It is just something I have to deal with and hope that my relationship with the Lord enables me to integrate in the most God-hornouring and people-loving way possible. (Lord! I even sound sanctimonious to myself! Pass the bag!)

A few of you have discussed the issue of whether I am actually bisexual and not innately gay. I couldn't say for sure. The issue brings up a few points. One: I am not attracted to any other women besides my wife. Two: I am still attracted to men. This is the additional attraction that I have to manage. Three: (and this is the can of worms) I most probably am not genetically gay (if there is such a thing). There are some men who know and have always known that they are gay. I am not one of them. It never occurred to me until I was 18. But once I discovered it I took to it like a duck to water.

The can of worms reveals the following: yes, I most probably should try and overcome my father issues and in the end outgrow my same-sex attraction. But what does that mean for those of you who are genetically gay? I honestly don't know. Does the bible make a distinction between homosexuals and people like me? They say so. Do I believe it? Not sure. Probably not. OK folks, hand out the bag of stones...!

You see why I would just like to ignore the whole issue until Jesus returns to tell us what the whole truth is?

Ex-Gay Watch #1

2006-12-14T13:33:00.000+02:00

I have taken to processing some of my stuff on Ex-Gay Watch of all places! It is also on my ExGay Talk podcast if you want to listen instead. Otherwise I will be posting it here too... here it is!

"I think however that if we are all to be honest, we can only ever reflect the part of our journey we are on. There has been a time when I resolutely called myslf "no longer under the curse of death" (read: homosexual). After that I said I was no longer gay (read: that I had revoked my choice to live a gay lifestyle). After that I started admitting that I still had same-sex attractions, but that didn't mean that I was gay because the attractions were unwanted (and still are). Now I have moved one step further. I am in a place where I would rather stay in some sort of denial position and not say anything at all, because the issues are SO complex and it is simply not possible to reduce any person's journey to a formula that will work for everybody. But I can tell you, that people are more important than their ideology and God thinks so too. I have been absent for quite some time, not posting on any websites and not updating my own. I have not posted any podcasts either. I have been through an extended process of mourning the loss of a church that my wife and I planted (it is not over yet...) The (extremely destructive) process through which we went has exposed many huge holes in my psyche which we are trying to sort out as we speak. (we: me, the Lord, my wife and my councellor, and my good friends!) In the process it has come to my attention that seeing people as their ideology is damaging and that Jesus cares not one whit about it. In recent time gay marriage has been ligitimised in South Africa. Do I rant and rave in the streets about what this does for the image of marriage? NO! Why? Because I know some very dear gay people and if they were to want to get married I for one wouldn't want to be the one to say I wouldn't attend because I care for them and I know that the Lord does too! Would I attend? I have no idea. But I would have to process my decision with them based on my care for them and my being true to what I believe. Hence I really hope that they never decide to get married (denial).

While I was in hiding, I received an email from one of the moderators of Ex-Gay Watch, asking if I was OK, since I hadn't posted on my podcast in a while. I melted, and it affirmed for me what is to be my guiding principle as long as I remain vaguely sane: Jesus was (and is) concerned with people and their hearts and feelings and so I should be.

I have a lot more to say, and I will say it here to you as well as on my podcast as time goes by. This is enough for now. I will be updating my website since it is outdated and doesn't reflect where I am now. It would be more honest for it to reflect a developing journey, rather than a destination. God help me as I grow. And you too!"

Giraffe # 1

2006-10-31T09:22:00.000+02:00

Its weird
to find
that I
have lost
so much
that was
myself

its strange
but I
have set
out to
discover
who
I am

so here's
to me
the way
I am
I revel
in
the sum

who am
I then
that I
should argue
with
the Lord's
own Son?

The puzzle

2006-10-30T08:35:00.000+02:00

How gracious He is
How infinitely kind!
Pity we beat ourselves up
with the clubs placed in our hands
By our parents and loved ones
Thinking it is His wish.

When I saw His compassion
for me as I am
I am able to love myself just a bit.
If only I could remember that feeling forever
How different just living
would be...

It is an unveiling
a dawning of feeling
so long shoved to one side
so long just ignored.
But out comes identity
And out comes compassion
And out comes the real me
I wouldn't accept.

Unfolding of sorrow
Unfolding of grace
Unfolding revealing
So much underneath

A new beginning
yet returning to old sites
deserted in error
before they were done

So I chew through the debris
And discover a beating
Heart of the present
Forgotten forgotten
forgetting forgot
A real transformation
Not a mask for the others
Who never requested
That I should change.

How tender His love is
How gracious His heart
Surprising His mercy
Today

It's all over now

2006-04-12T07:49:00.000+02:00

Back again, but different
Now I am stripped
of my pseudo-me
hauled out of the service
to others.
Asked to step down
I expected an agony
instead I felt joy
being out from that burden

Which burden was that?
You may ask
The one that the Lord put there?
The answer is "no"
It's the one that I took on me
To earn the life-right
to earn the right to live

So few fathers before
So many crowd me now
Trying to please them
Has sucked me quite dry
I know they didn't ask it
The rules are quite simple
Just listen to God
He speaks through US.

That's unfair I know
I know that I signed up
Hoping that it would make me someone
Hoping that pleasing the people would prove
I was nice
Well it didn't work, see
They hated me anyway
And saw right through me
Even though I tried hard

Well. I have learned my lesson
I will now be myself.
I will now try no longer
To satisfy...
In the meantime I long
just to sleep for a whole week
Or even two
To just forget about life for a while.
I take it in installments
Holding out a bit longer
Gets me 2 minutes of oblivion
Where I can escape into whatever
As long as its far.
And the anger still simmers
Now just near the surface
God help me top sort it
before it sorts me

unbearable heaviness of being me

2006-01-10T06:33:00.000+02:00

Dear God
I can see how I have failed. I can see what is held before me. but the cracks in me are so deep and so profound that i have no hope of being repaired. i cannot be perfect. even the thought of nor making mistakes. the mere thought of not failing again, fills me with such dread, because i know i will. tere is no way for me to be perfect. the little excuses that i built into the back of my mind; the little back doors, the are being shut and there is nowhere for me to find passage. here i sit, in a heap and there is nowhere for me to go. i wonder if even your salvation makes room here. because i know you have led me here to this anneccessible, inescapable place. it is your stare, in the guise of all my accusers, which forces me to look at the ruins of my character. how much further can you dissemble me? how much more can i take? personally i want to die now. i am not dicouraged by death. i am terrified to fail again. all those whom i am supposed to serve have exposed me stitch for stitch. there i lie now, exposed. ravaged by you. where to now. once more no going back. unless i kill myself, no escape. because i am not perfect, and most likely will not be as long as i live. so always to be rejected. implacable perfection is my accuser. God help me, i am tired and sick of heart. mercy. mercy.

foolishness

2005-08-12T08:53:00.000+02:00

My Dear Father

I have typically started the day in a way that will make it difficult to cope and recapture those few precious moments that I lost when I woke up. I am sorry. Now the day is upon me and I and constrained to dial down in a way that is much harder. Still I want to put aside all that hampers me and breathe you in and be with you because my life depends on it. There is no way fro me to function without it. You remain my lifeline, my reason for living and when I don’t connect with that loving embrace, I am poorer by an inestimable amount.

So I call you Father. I unite myself with your presence. You are overwhelmingly loving. You are so there. Your presence is my heart, my soul, my reason for being. Your love is the air that I breathe and if I don’t breathe you then I suffocate and no wonder I flail and struggle against annihilation because by my own omission I am in danger of dying. Lord, as I nudge outwards, looking backwards to the last moment I knew your presence, I I ask that you make it easier for me to find you. I set aside my fears – no! I do not. I confess my inadequate heart and it’s paralyzing fear to you and ask you to be in my moment. Yahweh! The eternal I Am. You are. Here. Now.

In this moment I choose to embrace your love. Let your peace engulf me, my redeemer. My saviour. You fetch me from the plains of indifference, where I numb my heart and dumb down my responses not to be overtaken by overwhelming terror. In you and you alone I am safe.

my/your appleheart

2005-08-11T06:17:00.000+02:00

My heart

Like and apple

Eaten by fear

Mouthful by mouthful

Consumed by terror

Fear relishes my life

The juice of me

And I shrink

The essence of me

Fuel to the fear

Oh God

Keep me safe

Hold me safe

Protect my heart

Safe from shrinking into

Nothingness

Disappeared I am

Out of focus

Trembling on the brink

Of the void

I need you so

Your love

My apple

Shining before me

Gleaming with good

Gleaming with God

I eat you my God

I taste you are sweet

You nourish my heart

You feed my frail existence

I hold onto you

Like an anchor in the night.

warming me

2005-08-07T06:46:00.000+02:00

My morning Father,

My morning Lord

My all-time creator

Tenderly I touch

Tremulously I try

To find your presence.

You are near

I know

You are here

And I must just tune my taste

To find that you are good

Again

Still

And always were and will be

Here is no part of you

That is not good

No corner

Crouching

All of you

Is my food

Is my nourishment

You feed my heart

On your ever-green love

You are a tree

That will always bear fruit

You are a river

That never dries

Sustaining always

Sempre

Always

O my heart

My inner core

My joy wells up

My heart awakes!

As I flush into glowing life

Again!

sunrise

2005-07-31T06:22:00.000+02:00

The Presence of God

As I sit here, the beating of my heart,
the ebb and flow of my breathing, the movements of my mind
are all signs of God's ongoing creation of me.
I pause for a moment, and become aware
of this presence of God within me.

WELCOME Lord

I open the sluices a little.

I see the rosy touch of dawn

Trembling warmly

Palely

Wan in the morning mists

Your light reflects off my mind

I respond to you alone

All that you are

And all that I am

We dance in gentle concert

We feel each other out

Remembering yesterday

And heralding

This day’s communion

My God

You are so welcome

When you are there

I drain my heart

Of every bitter taint

Every horrid taste

Of hell’s unwelcome guilt

Your standard never shifts

Now this

Now something else

But still and sure

You remain my measure

Your love is ever sure

Your life and death

Are ever there

The first and last of all

The jot and tittles fixed

I bless your coming love

morning prayer

2005-07-29T06:01:00.000+02:00

You presence within

I reach out/in

And awareness bleeds

Slowly at first

Into my mind

Me heart is next

Sniffing the wind

Where is my God

Where is he now?

Follow the trail

Of joy

Abba? Abba?

I’ve lost your scent

Where are you,

God my Father?

I wait

You have not yet

Left me unattended

Never once that I have called

Have I remained alone

Then I look down

I feel the rhythm

I see you there

Carrying me all along

Welcome!

Well met my God!

I leap within my heart

Your eyes are there

Sweet joy reflecting

You gaze into my heart

No shadow there

To mar our moment

Awake, I see your pleasure!

And I respond

Well met indeed!

You are my love

And lover still.

III

The old impediments

Guilt, fear and pain

Seem far away from me

Since I woke up

Since I tuned in

To how you think

Of me…

I thank you now

I thank you then

Both in the past

And coming

You make

You’ve made

Will make me

Creation

Unadorned

Unashamed

Just me

Job 2 -- please no, God

2005-07-27T05:59:00.000+02:00

The pool is deep today

The bottom not so clear

I drift in the gloom

Of my troubled heart

Yet you are here

With me in this

Your words of warmth

Buoy me up

Oh lord, I need you now

Now not to drown

But rather

Again to prevail

Drinking instead

From your sweetest streams

Flow in me my God

Flow in me now

Your cleansing and

Comfort

My only anchor

Draw me in

Draw me close

Draw me into you

surfacing again

2005-07-26T06:52:00.000+02:00

You purposed me

Before I was

so I could be today

You never doubted

Should or shouldn’t I

Just in case I wasn’t

Good enough

So now I buy

That ancient gift

To use

What I can be

Your life in me

Your love in me

Your hope for me

Forever!

Jesus, father, spirit, I welcome your presence, abiding and eternal in me. You will never leave me, ever again. You will never desert your post. You dwelling place in me is secure. I drink you in again! You are oh so faithful.

From inside my morning numbness

You slowly tickle

Your presence bubbling

Against my sleep-soothed mind

Then suddenly

Joyfully!

You spurt your Spirit through the day’s new nerves

And cry your holy joy and love

Against the blankness of my little death

Announcing that today again is new life

Today again is old life

Renewed afresh

My God

Abide in me…!

morning psalm

2005-07-25T09:41:00.000+02:00

I
Dear God. You are here, now, and I acknowledge you and I make myself available to you. You are present in all things, You are here, even when I don’t feel you but now I do feel you. You reach into me

Your tender touch enlivens my heart—

Your loving breath upon my soul

Coming to find my deepest longings

For you

And only you

Have the touch

Only to your Finger

Does my heart respond

I draw you in

I welcome you

Come to me my Maker

Come to me my rescuer

Come and carry me into your arms

Oh beautiful one!

I can even taste you

And know that you satisfy

More than the loving of any

That I have known

They all fade

They all fail

The are all false

Because their motives are measly

Wanting more for themselves

Than they are able to give

But you

You above all others

Play me like a melody

Sweet to your ear

And together we make music

Eternally…

My Lord,

There is no other way

Just to lay down my heart

for your pleasure

blow in and out of me

through and through

access me freely

in my most troublesome shadows

tell me your purposes

and I will fall into line

you are my Master

come, Master me fully

III

I ache for your presence

Lonely for you

The balm of my existence

The Meaning of life

My anger abates

My sorrow less searing and sore

As I gaze at your visage

You confuse my rough passions

Surely goodness and mercy

Will overwhelm me completely

I am not able

To digest such largesse!

You love is quite cosmic

The universe would cower

At the miniscule detail

Of your galactic grace

I tremble in silence

Quite humbled

Quite still

Awake to your glory

Mute

With

Wonder

All my passions parade their prideful selves

So easily hurt by the thorn that goads them

I shriek my insistence

Wildly stating my intentions:

I will not be ignored!

I will not be dismissed

Yet

You never looked away

Not an instant in the worst of it

And your bleeding heart was beating

To the rhythm of my crying

As I built up my defenses

To ensure my survival

You stood up to peer

Over ever-growing walls

At last I could hear you

Only ever so faintly

The muffled mercy

My benefactor

Excluded

I would rather be hurting

I would rather be

In agony

Than to leave you out there

So far from my pain

Come to me

I will dismantle the mortar

Of my misguided heart

And slowly I see you

Your face still so faithful

What joy the reunion

Though you never were gone.

Immersed in your mercy

Immersed in

You

pulling the scab off

2005-07-19T08:57:00.000+02:00

The Presence of God

In the silence of my innermost being,
in the fragments of my yearned-for wholeness,
can I hear the whispers of God's presence?
Can I remember when I felt God's nearness?
When we walked together and I let myself be embraced by God's love.

You are here, to the degree that I can let myself experience you. I respond to your whispers, Lord…you have been waiting there in the twilight temple of my heart, your breath soft and expectant. This is a holy, place, my heart is: the scene of our meeting when I can dial down and go there to know you. Blessed Presence, there you gather me up, all of splinters and hold them in your hand. You whisper to me of love and of acceptance. Of unconditional “positive regard”! I feel you near, as I type about this into my computer. Oh, precious God, oh, Gift of inestimable value! I drink thirstily of your waters… quenching my thirst and at the same time instigating a thirst that will not be quenched this side of the grave. I yearn for you near me… and you are closer still…

Freedom

"In these days, God taught me
as a schoolteacher teaches a pupil"(St Ignatius).
I remind myself that there are things God has to teach me yet,
and ask for the grace to hear them and let them change me.

Oh, Lord, I am afraid that unless I am goaded by my trauma, I will not seek you out again and again as I do now. But then, I know that you have a lot to teach me; that unless I go here into our secret space, you will wait for me until I come again… I want to know what you have for me; I want to receive what you want me to know… I do not want to miss the time or the teaching. Holy Spirit, be here now and make me receptive, taking me by the hand and showing me your world. You are most precious to me. My world is a different place because of you. Usher me into the mysteries of ordinariness and godliness. I want ot be AWARE, knowing what you want me to see and feeling what you want me to fee. I submerge myself into the shadowy pools of you love as you teach me, teach me, teach me….God I await your pleasure!

Consciousness

In God's loving presence I unwind the past day,
starting from now and looking back, moment by moment.
I gather in all the goodness and light, in gratitude.
I attend to the shadows and what they say to me,
seeking healing, courage, forgiveness.

It was a good day… you were present in the little things, and I know that I was not very anxious. It was actually quite odd, knowing what faces me in the next months. I still need to look into the lust that I seek out, wanting to know what it tells me of myself. Please Father; show me what it is that still lurks in the shadows, that haunts me through my efforts at secret pleasure. Why do I still need to feast my eyes; what is it that is satisfied by looking? What insecurity is evident in wanting to be like them? As I dwell in my mind on the images,

Yes Lord you are faithful. I pull the scab off and let you look into the maggot-infested depths of my hungry heart… shine your light, Father, wash me clean… unveil my heart!

The Word
I take my time to read the Word of God, slowly, a few times,
allowing myself to dwell on anything that strikes me.

Matthew 12:46-50

While Jesus was still speaking to the crowds, his mother and his brothers were standing outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone told him, "Look, your mother and your brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you." But to the one who had told him this, Jesus replied, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" And pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."

What are you saying to me, Lord?

Thos things that grew me up and secured me during the time that I grew up, make demands on me and want to call me mother and brother. But I will be-“familied” by obedience to God, but the callings and the growings of Jesus my teacher and Rabbi. I bind myself to you, Jesus, and the teachings of the Holy Spirit and undertake to expose my ties and the sins of my fathers to the light that will root out the wrong beliefs that bind me to the past. You alone are my God, and you alone are my teacher. I bind myself to you and call YOU my family. I will walk into the future in your footsteps only. Call me back when I wander Lord,

Conversation

Do I notice myself reacting as I pray with the Word of God?
Do I feel challenged, comforted, angry?
Imagining Jesus sitting or standing by me,
I speak out my feelings, as one trusted friend to another.

I see what I have not seen before. I make myself one, and bind mylsef to your purposes. You are my light; light my path. I am washed by your word. Blessed be!

Conclusion

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
world without end.

AMEN

seeking the safe place

2005-07-14T20:51:00.000+02:00

the joy is fragile

it trembles tenderly

a new-born notion

that everything is not

dangerously transient

that

in every magic moment

a let-down lurks

so my heart still welcomes

those well-aimed darts

that seek out the unhealed heart

those little particles of pain

where my old self still hungers --

I take my heart in hand

And still my taunting thoughts

Their history a vivid memory

Of almost-fatal falls

Yet again I dodge the daggers

Aimed at my deepest deeps

And trudge with grim resolve

To find a breathless peace

All this to make the space

for

A presence full of healing

He who restores and comforts

Who carries me some more.

Love beckons

Love calls

Love receives

Love loves.

I welcome love

I love love

And love loves me.

Still

Until I can accustom

My ever-fearing self

That there will be a time

When I will fully know

That joy is deep and lasting

That love is strong

And true

I hope he will still humour

My need to have him say

“I love you, my beloved

Just be in my embrace

It’s safe here in the darkness.

Abide, abide

Yes, stay”

ANOTHER MEDITATION.

2005-07-13T19:10:00.000+02:00

The Presence of God

As I sit here at my computer, God is present,
breathing life into me and into everything around me.
For a few moments, I sit silently,
and become aware of God's loving presence.

I receive you my Father. You are the source of my life. Finally I am beginning to understand that you are FOR me. Your intentions towards me are GOOD! I picture you, looking at me as I sit here typing away; and amazingly enough; there is love in your eyes. Fondness. Sometimes you are disappointed I am sure. But your love overshadows it all. You really are God; here and near.

Freedom

A thick and shapeless tree-trunk would never believe
that it could become a statue, admired as a miracle of sculpture,
and would never submit itself to the chisel of the sculptor,
who sees by her genius what she can make of it. (St Ignatius)
I ask for the grace to let myself be shaped by my loving Creator.

YES! Shape me Father! Make me what I am best intended to be! Every breath, every moment, you work at me, making me into something precious. NO! I am already precious! You shape me to become the finished work of the father. Lovingly you carve and chafe. I welcome your work in me. Only love can accomplish the best for me and only you love me utterly. I welcome your attentions, Lord…

Consciousness

How am I really feeling? Lighthearted? Heavy-hearted?
I may be very much at peace, happy to be here.
Equally, I may be frustrated, worried or angry.
I acknowledge how I really am. It is the real me that the Lord loves.

I feel in me a weight of PRESENCE. You in me. Lord, I ask that this will last. I have felt so many varieties of sensation, but this may just end up in a deep and abiding JOY! How that would alter my life. Not to have an underlying dread that what I feel now has to end at some time soon. “Na lekker lag kom lekker huil…” no longer. If only I could get used to this. Knowing. That I. Am loved.

The Word
I take my time to read the Word of God, slowly, a few times,
allowing myself to dwell on anything that strikes me.

Matthew 11:25-27

At that time Jesus said, "I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and the intelligent and have revealed them to infants; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. All things have been handed over to me by my Father; and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him."

What are you saying to me, Lord?

So, Jesus, you are revealing the Father to me. At last I get to see and understand who and what you are. At least inasmuch as it concerns me. You are the lover of my soul. Thanks too that I do not have to be learned to know what it is to be loved by you. You are showing yourself to me, and I LOVE IT!

Conversation
Do I notice myself reacting as I pray with the Word of God?
Do I feel challenged, comforted, angry?
Imagining Jesus sitting or standing by me,
I speak out my feelings, as one trusted friend to another.

No, I am not angry. I am definitely encouraged. I feel sated. Having feasted again on you. Satisfied with love. More of this Lord. More love, more of you in my life! Blessed God!

Conclusion

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
world without end. AMEN

anxiety 2

2005-07-13T14:12:00.000+02:00

2005-07-13

Dear Father,

I am feeling a bit anxious about the next few weeks. I am trying not to think about the issues and the practical stuff too much, since I am on leave, but I am anxious. So I put it all into your hands father. Again I commit my heart and its fears to you. I know you have ordained this plant and so I trust that you will enable us to do what is necessary to bring it about. Father, I know that you love me. I know that you made me for this. I know that there is bound to be opposition but that you are more than able to do what is required and to make sure that we know what is required of us. I receive your love, lord. I know that you are not out to get me by allowing me to fail. You have perfect confidence in me. You chose me for this job and I rest in that. And the truth is that while I am the one on earth who is to bring this about, you are the one in heaven who has all the power and wisdom we all need to make a success of it.

Lord, so please secure me in you. There are some practical things that we need to do. And these can only be done by your spirit. If you do not go before us then no matter how much we do there will be no fruit. Please father, help me to know when and what to do, let me lead with wisdom and foresight and strength and let me more than anything lead out of a deep trust in YOU and that you are for us and not against us. There are always so many different issues to face, but none of them is a surprise to you.

Lord, so send your spirit before us. Let him make a way for us in the neighbourhood and with the people. Let him come upon us and prepare us, let him come upon us and make us what we are supposed to be for this neighbourhood.

I fear failure lord. I am scared to make a mess of things. There is so much riding on it and so many people influenced by this. Finally we are on the rd and you are ahead of us and we do it for love of you. Be our God and we will be your people. Show us what to do and when. God be our banner!

meditation 12-7-05

2005-07-12T18:39:00.000+02:00

The Presence of God

As I sit here at my computer, God is here.
Around me, in my sensations, in my thoughts and deep within me.
I pause for a moment, and become aware
of God's life-giving presence.

welcome jesus
it is still fresh in my memory the last time i was with you like this. i was so surprised to feel your love for me. your genuine pleasure to see me and to be with me. i let myself feel your joy. what a strange thought! glad to see me! i could get used to this!i could be changed by this! my heart is thick with something i don't recognise too well. pleasure. somebody else's pleasure. you don't need me. you just like being with me. for its own sake. i feel about a foot taller

Freedom

God is not foreign to my freedom.
Instead the Spirit breathes life into my most intimate desires,
gently nudging me towards all that is good.
I ask for the grace to let myself be enfolded by the Spirit.

the best me i can be. you want for me what i would want if i were whole. i sink back into what that would mean. you are hoping for me: that someday i may be free to experience life without fear. you are so amazing! life with you is so amazing! you are my Lord and i love it! not bending into trying to please me because you do not need my affirmation to be right. you just are because you are perfect. and within that i sink back into being in that safe place. Good God! how blessed is this moment... no guilt; you've taken care of that! no fear of the future; you've got my life and fate in your hands!only hope; i am friends with the most High! talking about friends with influence. bring out the best in me Father! i free you to be God to me.

Consciousness

How am I really feeling? Lighthearted? Heavy-hearted?
I may be very much at peace, happy to be here.
Equally, I may be frustrated, worried or angry.
I acknowledge how I really am. It is the real me that the Lord loves.

joyous! not exuberantly so, but feeling safe, peaceful. God you are so good!

The Word
I take my time to read the Word of God, slowly, a few times,
allowing myself to dwell on anything that strikes me.

Matthew 11:20-24

Then Jesus began to reproach the cities in which most of his deeds of power had been done, because they did not repent. "Woe to you, Chorazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the deeds of power done in you had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. But I tell you, on the day of judgment it will be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon than for you. And you, Capernaum, will you be exalted to heaven? No, you will be brought down to Hades. For if the deeds of power done in you had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. But I tell you that on the day of judgment it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom than for you."

What are you saying to me, Lord?

Let me not be ignorant of your goodness Lord! Let me respond to your coaxing and your leading. I am your sheep and you are my shepherd, lead me. Let me not disdain your gentle nudging. let me not harden my heart and become numb to what you are saying to me. Come Spirit! do the work of the father in me. make me a vessel for the most High! soften me to your touch. let me tremble at even a whisper! oh blessed God...you are so amazing to me...

Conversation

Remembering that I am still in God's presence,
I imagine Jesus himself standing or sitting beside me,
and say whatever is on my mind, whatever is in my heart,
speaking as one friend to another.

don't leave me jesus, i love to be with you. i really want to practise your presence more and more. i want to be living out of you. out of your love and the joy of being loved: please let me not forget this...drench me with your presence. I LOVE YOU! this is the best place HALLELUJAH!

Conclusion

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
world without end. AMEN

anxiety

2005-07-12T14:26:00.000+02:00

the future always looms
possibilities
problems in disguise
problems
possibilities in disguise
the cure?
live one day at a time
ever present
pray for today
he is God of
the now
the was
and the will be
we are people floating ever
on the edge of eternity
the wave
where only
our next move
can make a difference
maktub...
it is written

so relax and let him be God
i sure as hell aren't

meditation 11 July 2005

2005-07-11T08:58:00.000+02:00

From Sacred Space Daily Devotional

The Presence of God

To be present is to arrive as one is and open up to the other. At this instant, as I arrive here, God is present waiting for me. God always arrives before me, desiring to connect with me even more than my most intimate friend. I take a moment and greet my loving God.

You have to have been here even when I am strung out because my child is crying, teeth coming thru. I know you have to be capable of receiving me as I am; that my tension and anger are no impediment to you. I present myself to you, lover of my soul, You have been waiting for me: prepared with the heart that is geared towards MY needs. "While we were yet sinners..."

So here I am. I breathe your acceptance of me deep into my fibres. Your love washes over me. I am here, I am now, I am present for you as you are present for me. Well Met, God of all!

Freedom

There are very few people
who realise what God would make of them
if they abandoned themselves into his hands,
and let themselves be formed by his grace. (St Ignatius)
I ask for the grace to trust myself totally to God's love.

The things I cannot order and ordain...everything... I entrust to you. Your hopes for me, your fondest dreams, I would so dearly like to be those things. But trapped between my fear of not achieving what I can, and my inability to orchestrate my highest potential, I float forever suspended in the vacuum of mediocrity. Rescue me father! Pluck success from the jaws of failure and do with me! Let me suck of your milk of grace. The nourishment you provide manifest due to my need. My need manifest due to your provision. The true ying and yang. I eat of you again, my God, hoping that as I succumb to the call of compassion I will be enabled to digest your goodness...

Let me abandon myself to you!

Consciousness

Knowing that God loves me unconditionally,
I look honestly over the last day, its events and my feelings.
Do I have something to be grateful for? Then I give thanks.
Is there something I am sorry for? Then I ask forgiveness.

Thank you Father for my friends. You have given me real friends who are a balm for my weary soul. They are truly the epitome of your grace for me. Their love speaks to me of your care. I revel in it, and sing in my heart of your love for me. Why do they love me? I struggle to fathom except to know at the surface that you have given me to them. Somehow our lives are enriched by each other. How your body functions. Building up, consoling, encouraging. Thank you God for my friends!

Forgive me for the mean streak in me. Forgive me for hurting J, weak and innocent as he is. Pure emotion and instinct as he is, I lash out at him. He doesn't deserve it and I am so sorry. Wash me clean of my hatefulness. He deserves so much better.

My petty responses to D & J C, oh how sad and insignificant my little rages. How easily I am touched where it hurts. I choose to respond, not react. How far from shepherd I am... Ungracious and small... FORGIVE ME

The Word
I take my time to read the Word of God, slowly, a few times,
allowing myself to dwell on anything that strikes me.

Matthew 19:27-29

Then Peter said, "Look, we have left everything and followed you. What then will we have?" Jesus said to them, "Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man is seated on the throne of his glory, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold, and will inherit eternal life."

What are you saying to me, Lord?

My right to have a thin skin and revenge... I give that up. I lay it down for your sake, knowing that you are the pearl of great price. Selling everything for you...I walk after you and follow you wherever you may go. You are my great reward. You are my great prize. I cannot DO anything to deserve you. But I must lose everything else. I must choose to forsake all that stands between me and you. So I breathe deeply the loss of rights. I breathe deeply the sweet absence of things. And I clutch sincerely to your hem, knowing that where you go there is LIFE! Jesus, sweet lover of my soul. Beautiful redeemer. Saving me from the paltry prize of insignificance by stripping me of all I would naturally be and bestowing upon me the boon of godliness. amazing

Conversation

Remembering that I am still in God's presence,
I imagine Jesus himself standing or sitting beside me,
and say whatever is on my mind, whatever is in my heart,
speaking as one friend to another.

amazing that you love me, that you want me. it blows my mind. and you will never go away. you just look at me and there is love in your eyes. it burns my heart. it wrenches me out of my measly reality and i lurch into heaven, dissembled and deranged: a creature out of its element. you watch as i stare, scared of retribution that i have ventured into such rarefied atmosphere, and slowly realise that alien as i am, this is my universe; close to you. your compassion is... so strange to me.

"hush"

"hush"

how different i would be if i could come to believe that you know me yet love me. no shadow of rejection. no rumour of desertion.

just you and me forever.

selah

Conclusion

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
world without end.
AMEN

thoughts on denial

2005-07-10T11:56:00.000+02:00

I have often thought of why it is so easy to cry about a beautiful sunset of some classical music, or to allow my heart to be melted by some poignant moment on TV in a series, when my heart is so numb to my real deep pain and anguish. Now that I am trying to reach my deepest heart to expose the roots of my anger, I find that I can't. This superficial release I suppose keeps me sane, but at the same time is the barrier between me and real emotional growth.

Sentimentality is the shadow of emotion. Real emotion released produces growth because it hurts. Sentimentality produces no life because it cooperates with the movement of death in us. Entropy. When we don't grow we do not stagnate, we die. Every opportunity missed for real growth is a tragedy. Denial is not stasis: it is an opportunity missed.

dunno...

thoughts of relating to God

2005-07-10T08:04:00.000+02:00

Everything takes work. If you love somebody you have to cultivate them. It's the law of the universe. Entropy. Anything left to its own devices will degenerate. Put that together with an innate human propensity towards laziness and you have a potential disaster. And I am not talking about my marriage, in spite of the image here (that's just to symbolise the eternal love of God...and marriage which is forever) Maybe it is just me.

Funny that the other apsect that is potentially disastrous is that God is invisible and doesn't always push himself under our noses. He is ok to wait for us while we sneak off to other watering holes and "quench' our thirst. He works behind the scenes, yes, but it can be too easy to fill our hearts with other stuff at the expense of our relationships with him. I think this particular case is easier to explain because when we are faced with him, he requires of us that we constantly look inwards and doesn't let us get away with moral, mental, spiritual laziness. Disturbing and uncomfortable. So unless we are pleased to really look at ourselves and be prepared to change in uncomfortable ways, we should probably avoid him. But rather look at myself a bit at a time than to see the whole awful lot holus bolus when I am faced with him one day, as I inevitably will be.

Funny that he is not content to be an incidental pastime. That's why he says that he wants all of us. "All you heart, mind and strength". That sounds like everything. I have pictures of myself sort groaning and sweating, willing myself to love him, when actually he just wants us to direct LIVING at him. The rest will follow. Ah, God... such an eccentric character, not so? So out of pace with reality.

I couldn't be more relieved. Because his commitment is the same as he requires from us. Now THAT'S a good thing. I need somebody to come thru for me.

you win i lose

2005-07-09T14:53:00.000+02:00

I have been looking around at some blogs. This is really the most amazing tool. Everybody gets to say their say. I suppose that it takes a certain type of person to blog. Not everybody could be bothered to put stuff out there in the vain hope that somebody might just see it and say something about it. And then there is the chance that they may say something negative about your blog and then...well.

"anyhoo" as my nephew says...

I came across a blog (or rather a little network of blogs) of a gay guy (and his friends) in London. He had some stuff to say.The Dangerous Man he calls himself. He makes a whole lot of statements which from his perspective are quite reasonable. Stuff like religion is irrelevant. He also talks about gay marriage and stuff like that. I gave in to the temptation to say something and then realised that there is little that i can say that will be understood as it was intended. When you say something that has relevance outside of the context that it comments on, then it almost always runs the risk of sounding petty/narrow-minded/old-fashioned... you fill in the blank. There is almost no way for me to say something from my perspective as an ExGay Christian without sounding as if I have lost the plot.

So does one say anything? Well I think so and I hope that we can get over ourselves enough to...well, to what? Is it worth it? What's the point? Because what i have to say is not politically correct and that is the criteria at the moment. Religion is passe, and that's that. But I suppose that this is the nature of what I have become. I am irrelevent to the world. The Bible says I would. All that I say can be interpreted in a way that will make me look foolish and unsophisticated. I have to live with that. There is actually no way to speak across the divide. Because I break the one cardinal rule: I believe in an absolute. And that's not "nice", or cool. I have to come and spoil everybody's fun by saying that there's a right way and a wrong way. Bummer!

meditation

2005-07-08T07:48:00.000+02:00

from the Jesuit Site "Sacred Space" (link in the bar to the right)

The Presence of God

God is with me, but more, God is within me.
Let me dwell for a moment on God's life-giving presence
in my body, in my mind, in my heart,
as I sit here, right now.

ME...

Let me just allow that thought to penetrate my heart... when you said "you are my son, today have I begotten you" you meant me as well. I am you handiwork, I am your labour of love. love conceived of such a thing as me, love gave me life. I am no accident. I am your idea, and you wanted me to be. then, more, you came to me and settled in me like a dove in a nest. contented, you live in temple you created, you dwell there, me, your dwelling-place.

I receive you... or, a prepare myself to know that tender fact. God most high, you love me and you have loved me since always. AND I PRAISE YOU! you are all to me. my heart is slowly warmed into life by your presence. worship rolls from my tongue. slowly I thaw and am able to be freely who I am meant to be.

Worship Oh my heart,
worhip oh my soul.
worship every part of me
I call you Lord!
Keeper
Comforter
Comrade.
Hallelujah!

Freedom

I need to close out the noise, to rise above the noise;
The noise that interrupts, that separates,
The noise that isolates.
I need to listen to God again.

ME

My thoughts jabber and chat
you DID this, you ARE that
”SILENCE!” you command

submission

I float upwards into your loving arms.
put my head upon your godly breast
only the steady rhythm of your loving heart
creator's core
stills my empty mutterings

"whom will you hear?
the one who gave you life
and calls you forth into LIFE
Or the one who has resolved to drown me out
pretending to be your very own thoughts?
Find your hear in ME
here you are yourself...
cradled in my heart
creator-companion...
ever-safe
ever-loved
ever-you and ever-me
together..."

Consciousness

In God's loving presence I unwind the past day,
starting from now and looking back, moment by moment.
I gather in all the goodness and light, in gratitude.
I attend to the shadows and what they say to me,
seeking healing, courage, forgiveness.

ME...

"shameful, self-seeking
self-satisfying"
the first thoughts jump into my mind.
father I lay them down...
efforts to slake my thirst at polluted pools
heal my heart
invade the shadows,
invade my heart
heal the shadows
light me up
like a mountain sunrise
manifest your life in me.

you have also made me know
how small the fragments of my soul are strewn
across the desolation of my life's landscape
little bits weeping
wailing the loss of feeling
a solemn sacrifice to survival
help me gather them up
help me collect the shards of shattered self...
presenting them to you
I FEEL
I WEEP
I COALESCE
INTO ONE TREMBLING MASS
OF MELTING ME
how I have been abandoned
how I have been left on the heaps of life
scraps to feed me
careless nourishment for a hungry soul.
feed me father
feed me.
I eat of you
I feast on you
sustain me with your sacrifice
for me
for me
for me

now wash me clean
as I once was discarded
I now discard redundancy
tenderly...
that cloak of shameful agreement
wash me
wash me...
your child.

The Word
God speaks to each one of us individually. I need to listen
to hear what he is saying to me. Read the text a few times, then listen.

Genesis 46:1-7; 28-30

When Israel set out on his journey with all that he had and came to Beer-sheba, he offered sacrifices to the God of his father Isaac. God spoke to Israel in visions of the night, and said, "Jacob, Jacob." And he said, "Here I am." Then he said, "I am God, the God of your father; do not be afraid to go down to Egypt, for I will make of you a great nation there. I myself will go down with you to Egypt, and I will also bring you up again; and Joseph's own hand shall close your eyes." Joseph made ready his chariot and went up to meet his father Israel in Goshen. He presented himself to him, fell on his neck, and wept on his neck a good while. Israel said to Joseph, "I can die now, having seen for myself that you are still alive."

What are you saying to me, Lord?

ME...

What my enemy has intended for evil, you have turned to good. Sometimes it is a small consolation. Asked to sacrifice my life before I even knew I had it. Egypt is a lonely place Father. So, my abandonment and slavery have brought forth fruit, but the cost is high. I still pay it every day and will perhaps forever. But into your arms I commit myself. You were there with me it's true. You snatched me from the jaws of death...the second life better than the first. I will try and trust you Lord. You are father. the father. cover me..cleanse me...

Conversation

How has God's Word moved me? Has it left me cold?
Has it consoled me or moved me to act in a new way?
I imagine Jesus standing or sitting beside me,
I turn and share my feelings with him.

ME...

No, Jesus, you have not left me cold. I am a bit consoled a bit healed, and bit restored. I only hope that you-in-me will prevail... your/my heart... of course it will. My lover-king.
hold me please...

Conclusion

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
world without end. Amen.

REJECTION

2005-07-07T18:30:00.000+02:00

REJECTION

I don't believe that after 7 years you could just discard me because I choose a different life. Honestly I would have thought that you'd be happy for me. It's not like we shared a life together anymore. I suppose you believed that in choosing against your lifestyle I chose against you... have you never heard of agree to disagree? Surely you loved ME and not my lifestyle? It's not as If I cheated on you by going straight? We were not lovers anymore!!!

GLEN SHELTON you have hurt me. "Fuck off all you straights" you said. It cut me deep, I have to admit after 14 years. But now I know that a monogamous relationship of 5 years with somebody who is yr whole life, doesn't just end with that little phrase. And that I still care is obvious to me. I have searched the internet for you at times, wondering if somewhere there is a mention of you that could lead me to you. I still care about you even though I married J, because you are a person and not a sexual orientation even though YOU would like things to be that simple and complicated.

So what shall I say now? Have a good life...? I hope you didn't get AIDS or die of lung cancer? What I hope for most of all is that you will overcome your deep hurt at your dad's rejection and not discard others as you have been discarded. People are not disposable. I am learning that at my great cost.

In the Light

2005-07-07T18:29:00.000+02:00

...this morning i feel low. it seems that is all i say on this blog. i don't always feel moved to blog when i feel good. then i am too busy doing other stuff.

i feel tense and anxious. it seems like there is too much that can go wrong. i probably don't trust that God can do all that needs to be done and i KNOW i can't...so that only leaves the possibility that things can go screwy.

so for the next few weeks, until the big score goes down, i will have to just live in denial -- a long river in africa -- i cruise there often.

nonetheless...

i bask
i drink
i am in Your light
what i cannot be
elsewhen...
sipping
drenched in You
beloved
when i can't be
otherwise
weak
yet inescapably
myself
no remedy
but You
so --
i bask
i drink
i am in Your light
what i cannot be
elsewhere,
elsewhen +

reaching out

2005-07-06T09:11:00.000+02:00

reaching out
Originally uploaded by dampies.

touch me
i need the strength
i need to know i'm not alone.
all my desperate minions
divided and separate
splinters of soul
i need the sense of your heart
close to mine
today i am alone
no matter how many
mingle and mill where i am
so i
reach out
i tremble
tremble
tremble...

Alone at Last!

2005-07-03T16:16:00.000+02:00

Well, the title sounds as if I am happy but I am not happy...! Saying goodbye at the airport was ok but then the moment came and J and I were finally on our own. The next three weeks lie like a wasteland before me and I will have to be careful not let it get me down. I really feel sorry for singles but I don’t' think they feel it like married people who have had time to get used to never being alone.

Being alone is not a bad thing. The problem is that we have to face our own thoughts and all the little splits show up and we find out what really lurks in the silt of our subconscious. Having a totally dependent little disabled boy to look after makes it a bit better and a bit worse. I cannot just decide to get into my car and go and visit somebody because it is a major schlep of getting food and nappies and whatever together. On the other hand at least it is one little link to "normality" which will hopeful protect me from going over the edge.

Preaching today was interesting. It was hard preaching about worship. I had it all prepared but I was not sure that people were ready to hear what I had to say. Plus I am so pathetic myself that I am never sure about the quality and validity of what I have to say until somebody tells me it was ok. There were some who did say it was good, but hey, I even doubt that because I am so insecure. That is what this blog is about. To say those things which I normally wouldn't let anybody know. The bottom line is that many people actually were able to come and worship with a little more freedom, I think.

double standards

2005-06-29T20:26:00.000+02:00

double standards
Originally uploaded by dampies.

“Why don’t you just ask me to do what you want me to do? Why all this…nonsense of ‘what should I do about…?’ You know you really want me to take him to school!”

I really regret my tone now. I know why it irritates me that she asks me in that roundabout way. I do not respond well to manipulation. And one person’s manipulation is another man’s diplomacy.

I feel the stitches between my mask and my heart working loose. Later I hate myself. Preparing a talk about spiritual worship; I am a case study for the failure thereof. Some things you just can’t find nice words to say. I am a hypocrite, that’s for sure. I preach each week about this stuff. I encourage and I cajole, finding nice spiritual words to make people obey. Yet my own heart cannot even obey.

But of course this is the rub. There is a great big split in my heart. That is the point, isn’t it? i am split right down the middle. And that is what this journey is about; To heal that split. There is a great big rip right down the fabric of my being. My mind worships submission and my heart worships independence. There is no way to gloss over it… there is, right now, just no way that I will allow myself to be uprooted from the safety of my angerblackhole. My will can do its damndest, but my heart firmly believes that unless I take care of myself there is no way I will survive.

Working out my salvation in fear and trembling… hokaai!

2005-06-28T05:45:00.000+02:00

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

dear God

all this talk about darkness. yet you wait patiently in my heart...after all, that is what in-dwelling means; i worship the one within, the Other. i stir up within me the presence of peace. you pass all understanding. i pay homage to the heavenly one. i enter the gate. you have called and chosen me. WORSHIP: waiting on you, my heart inhaled, my mind mingled with yours, my soul satisfied with your soothing silence. o most high, o dearest divine -- display yourself to me. and i bow low, knowing this was what i am meant to be... your footstool. humiliation? no! your dwelling place. your rest. i love you! me in you and you in me...and heaven holds its breath. sweet Mercy, you have given me your Self. spoken in words of tender, tender proximity: "you are my son. I AM well pleased with you. come, that I may minister to your misery. dress your disaster in glory..."

yes, I worship you, my Heart!

merde (anag: me red)

2005-06-27T12:51:00.000+02:00

merde
Originally uploaded by dampies.

2005/06/27 8.45 am

“I take it you are there?”

I was mildly annoyed. She knew that I worried. Every morning when she left to take kids to school or to go anywhere for that matter, I said a ritual, yet heartfelt prayer. “The Lord protect you on the road!”. This included protection from “negligence, accident, stupidity, violence, road rage, rape, and anything not covered by these descriptions”.

“Yes, I am sorry my love. We got here just before 6. There was very little traffic on the roads. Must be because of school holidays!”

As usual I tried to swallow my irritation. At the age of 45 it should be over my deep fear of losing those I love. I suppose she is a buffer to me against the chaos of aloneness. I relish being alone when she is coming back but I cannot imagine what it would be like to be without her. It is a bit humiliating to be so dependent on one person (or 3 people -- this includes my daughter and my son, who are mini bastions against the void of being alone -- little deposits that insure that she will come back again, not matter how much later.)

I hate it when she drives at night. It is not as if I can imagine all the bad things that can happen to her, or something like that. It just makes me uncomfortable. There is a sort of unease that drains the light out of me. A metallic taste of nothingness that instantly pervades my heart. I know it and I want to avoid it at all costs.

Then I remember the three weeks of (unnamed space -- identified by absence of anchors -- adrift in a inter-stellar anomaly field -- thank God for science fiction) that stare me in the gizzard. The Lord only knows what will happen in these 3 weeks. While she is away visiting her sister in Kiwi land, our daughter in tow, I will be home with our disabled son. What qualifies a sweet little seven-year old (cute but mute -- and anyhow the personification of all my lifelong struggle against helplessness and redundancy) to hold me back from the lip of the abyss? Truly i will face my nemesis. We will see if Jesus really meets me in the pit of our deepest despair

world's fool

2005-06-26T16:23:00.000+02:00

scaryme
Originally uploaded by dampies.

i stood there by the precipice
my whole life lived by hit-and-miss
i couldn't see drop beneath my feet
at the heels of life had i been yapping
been sippin' at life and merely lapping
my life up to now was based on self-deceit

the more i thought the more i wondered
if moments fleet and lightly squandered
mean anything at all and if then, what
but more and more comes the sharp reminder
you gotta be cruel if you wanna be kinder
you give and you get to about the same degree...

where is freedom?
the promise you made was a lie
the games that you play take my freedom away
show me a man who is free...

but i'm putting my foot down now and it's final
i no longer care to subscribe to the rules!
if you think you can make me believe they protect me
you take me, my dear friend, for no less than a fool

Rocky Horror Show

2005-06-26T14:18:00.000+02:00

And crawling on the planet's face
Some insects called the human race
Lost in time, and lost in space
And meaning

SEEMS LIKE IT DOESN'T IT....But it's not true. Here is the meaning of life. People, hearts, beauty. Serendipity and happenstance

And here you are just looking into my eyes
And there I see the love you can't disguise
You gather my inside your loving arms to day
you don't go away
you choose to stay...
Holy are you Lord,
Holy are you Lord
Holy are you Lord,
Oh my Delight!

Later...

2005-06-24T15:14:00.000+02:00

Facing the black hole is fear personified. I am scared I will lose control of my bodily functions if I face the fear and pain that are covered by the rage. I cannot even want to want to go there. When the buffers of everyday life are removed, all that stares me in the face is the faceless chaos. It is not all bad. For the most part everything is fine. I love life and my family. But deep deep down there is an ocean of unpredictable chaos; a monolith of being disposable. And so I fight against the void…Selah

2005-06-24T11:57:00.000+02:00

sorrow is not soon forgotten
nor bitterness, deceit-begotten
sadness is not often sweeter
than trust that's freely given
foolisheness is a weak reminder
that cruelty is seldom kinder

I squeel with exhileration and fear as my older brother speeds me around the playground on my tricycle. The weeping willow chortles uncharacteristically as we brushed his drooping tendrils. Then a HIS voice whips out of the wintry blue. "Come here!" it commands, not angry just inescapable. Behind the old tree we go and the tender caress of the old tree becomes the castigations of a confused father: *It is not right to scream like that. I am sure you will remember...*

I do. Here I sit white-knuckled -- my anger resisting the vortex which sucks me hungrily in. HE is the black hole. Around his careless and flagrant life my whole existence is arranged. *I will not be swallowed, that I promise you! I would rather die than let you suck me in* so my rage, which protects me still, and which I wield with icy precision to ward off the threat of nothingness, whips out of control and scars those I most love. *you will not see me hurt. I would rather die than let you win*

Fuck you I need you so much to say I may be...