The Unthinkable has Happened!

Yesterday I flew to Durban to be with my dad who turned 80. This in itself was feat of quite some extraordinary magic as only the Lord can produce. Through a most amazing circumstance I have reestablished contact with an old lover from times gone by, and some healing occurred. During a councelling session with my shrink processing this led to some memories about my dad coming up. In processing these, I came to the unthinkable insight that my father may not always thoughtlessly have been out to hurt and belittle me. Perhaps some of what he did he did with the genuine desire to spend time with me and do good to me. (Sure he did some stupid things, but even those he only did because he was wired that way: I know how often I have hurt my own kids in the same way!)

So the upshot of it was that yesterday I spent the day with him alone. We talked and drank some wine and had a meal and so on, and besides the fact that I think much healing occurred in me which I will only see realised in the years to come, I know he enjoyed it and it valued him in ways I never imagined.

Only a week ago this would have seemed impossible. Through a confluence of circumstance to strange to describe, the Lord has reconnected me with an ex (who remains such!) and through the contributions of my brother and sister, we had a great day with minimal inconvenience on a practical level.

I think that now we will be relating as adults more than as blamed adult and hurt child. Who knows where the future will lead?!

down-down

its all supposed to be
verry verry jolly
the new year is at hand
great
but deep inside my heart
the fear pools coldly
if only i could stop
stop
If only I could
if only I
If only
If

meaning comes and goes
there's never enough of it
its like lunch
you seem to need it once day
I mean how much can one person eat?
what do we do over and over again
that we should need so much refilling
?

I feel so empty
I can't even think pretty
I feel so
THUD
every morning when I wake up
when will it end?
I have so much
to thank God for
and yet again
I slide
down-down


I think it has to do
with starting all over again
every time I take time off
i remember how much effort
it takes to just go on
i suppose when i get going again
it will be better
but there's no guarantee
oh well
what choice do I have
but only to believe
it will someday get better.

but moving swiftly along
before you call a shrink
God, preserve me from myself
there's somebody out to get me
hold me before he succeeds.
i won't do his job for him
but only barely.
does just dying count?

oh my goodness

I hate it when this happens
Just when I thought I had the answer
the question strikes back
and morphs again to be
something different again

WHAT'S THE EFFING QUESTION?

So needy I seem to be
so much I hate that state
I beg for crumbs
from those to which
I least want to appear needy.

I can't help it
This poem is going wrong
maybe its not an effing poem anyway
maybe its just a confession/ranting
of a confused, angry
46 year old
white
Afrikaans
not-so-x gay man

I used to be able to sing John Denver's songs
Until I learned to sing
effing thousands of Rands
spent to become the world's greatest tenor
Now I struggle to catch
that wonderful free melody
that he spins so easily
what a bummer.

jesus please come soon
If I don't recapture that joy that's past
I'd better find some new joy
Otherwise I will go mad

sistematise veralangens
in die holtes van my murg gevang
gehokkie in segmente
saam met honderdduisend stukkies bang
verdraaide woord vergader
in my polsende plesier
al my duistere emosies word in donkerde verduur

verledeblare dirtel-dartel neer
op sedimente van my gisterhart seer
rooibruin die vuur wat in baie tinte brand
en verlangens koester
soos 'n uurglas sonder sand

bykorfelemente van 'n sirkelsimfonie
al draaiend in die ronde soos 'n passieparodie
verdraaide woord vergader
in my polsende plesier
al my duistere emosies word in donkerte verduur
word
word in donkerte verduur
in donkerte verduur
word in donkerte verduur
word in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduur

o fok