Ex-Gay Watch #4

Regardless of whether you believe your homosexuality came with you into this life or developed, this last sentence is a very important realization. Many in your position do not figure this out or, if they do, will not admit it. (a quote by a poster on Ex-Gay Watch where I wrote this.

The irony is that, in my search for identity, which manifested itself in many different efforts to conform, the "gay" identity was one of the most "real"! When I turned my back on homosexuality as a lifestyle, I abandoned that identity at the threshold of my new life. So my "new creation" identity was hardly anything more than a new attempts to earn love and acceptance through conformity. But based on an emptiness, the new identity was a often stressful and in the end was part of what caused the breakdown of the church plant I mentioned. I was trying my best to please the congregants but they saw through it. Coupled with their own "stuff" it turned toxic. That last bit is by the way, but because I was alienated from myself as I was/am, not only could I not experience God's compassion for myself, they were not able to experience God's compassion through me. Get it? The moment I remembered that gay self I abandoned, and saw how tenderly God saw/loved him/me, my gay identity sowed the seeds that may very well lead to greater healing! Weird, isn't it?

This of course has great implications for others who want to transition out of homosexuality. The church may expect them to turn over a new leaf. They may be accepted as long as the gay past it truly a thing of the past. The moment that a gay identity begins to assert itself, the church may lose hope/patience and can't figure out what to do. The gay person could feel guilty/like a failure, and lose hope. (This is not what happened to me. I never received anything less than wonderful support and understanding) Of course the first thing that is likely to happen is that the (safe/well-known) gay habits kick in. Because there is no legitimate outlet for those feelings, porn/trolling/whatever may ensue. During this extremely traumatic time (after I stepped down as pastor to take time to recover, never during my time as minister) I suddenly developed a taste for pornography. (I never "fell", I was never caught out). Anything would do, but a lot of it was gay. Ironically this provided the first real breakthrough in my councelling process. (I am ashamed of this last bit of info, but all the key people in my life know. I have software on my computer to protect me and my family and an accountability partner who is the administrator of the software.) But in line with what I mentioned before, the likelihood is that this gay identity that manifested itself in this way, is a part of key to future growth!