Friday 12.34 am

 Stoned. Spent morning just chilling on bed. Was lovely with my cat on my arm.

Now stoned. I plan to do some work on co position later. Kind of like i need to do some writing. Right now would be best suited to wandering around and just thinking and re reflecting. I need to get bread, a plunger and meat.

Can I change my diet to have meatless days?

The weather is worsening.

Wonder if lockdown will end although I'm doubting it 

Addiction and SHAME

waar kan ek wegkruip?

die waarheid is 'n pynlike bogger-- nes jy dink jy weet wie jy is dan glip die realiteit uit jou vuis soos 'n seepglad jellievis, en dan brand hy boonop nog die kak uit jou. die probleem daarmee om jou suksess in die openbliek te trompetter, is dat jy darem te sku is om dieselfde met jou mislukkings te doen. dis seker omdat hulle moelik is om vir selfs jouself te erken. dit maak nie saak hoeveel keer jy oorbegin nie, jy sal jouself elke keer inhaal en dit is maar wors: die prentjie is nooit volmaak of selfs mooi nie.

hier praat ek dan nou kwansuis afrikaans net om erens my lee woorde die eter in te kan slinger, sonder dat die mensdom bewus word van my dorian gray-skildery in die keller. fok die wit geppleisterde grafstene. ek is dan self een. laat god dan maar weet dat ek 'n verlore seun is wat die pad byster geraak het. ek is te sjoepit om selfs te besef dat ek eerder wil huitoe gaan. kom haal my, papa. ek gaan net hier in my gemors sit tot jy iets groots doen.

A new person?

Have not been here for a long time. A lot has happened. Difficult to put into words. So I am just going to pick up where I am now.

I have been using some tools that I have known about for a while and some I discovered recently, to work with my stuff. The first is a new technique called EFT http://123eft.com/ which is amazing. It seems to good to be true but it really works. I am not sure it would work without the other tool called Theophostics, which relies on God taking you to memories where lies about yourslef have become implanted, where he then imparts truth to replace the lie.

EFT is a simple method to "tap" on acupuncture points while focusing on issue that you are struggling with. This morning I was struggling with an issue of defensiveness regarding belonging to a worship team. I was really struggling with letting go of my resistance to 2 members of the team. I tapped on the resistance and the feelings of aloneness and being an outsider, as well as being "defective", where the resitance/stubbornness originates, came up. The Lord took me to the time in my childhood where it came from, as a cover to deal with my sense of abandonment at the time. I wept and tapped, scaled my relief on a level from 1-10 and tapped again. Then the Lord gave me the truth about myself, as a person that is crusty and unyielding only as a denfence agains my feeling alone when I was a little boy. He told me who I really am: a compassionate, soft, caring person, the way he made me. He told me that it was ok to not be hard anymore. I will never be alone again.

It is so real. Of course it is not over until it is over. I will chronicle the journey here :)

I have moved!

HI there everybody. I have moved this blog to www.dunxnud.wordpress.com
This is because I can write my blog directly from Firefox. Cool hey? So reset your rss feed readers to that address!
Blessings
Duncan

same-old-same-old

Father,
Today everything seems a little paler, a little grayer. No amount of pulling myself up by my bootstraps will make seem right. I really just get tired of things just not going quite right. I am not dissatisfied, don't get me wrong. I have been satisfied by you too many times to think that you aren't FOR me. You are great, and I have no complaints against you. The problem is me. I feel discouraged, listless, and I just can't afford to feel like that. I need to be positive, act decisively, create an aura of confidence in my clients. But the truth is that I have little confidence. Only you can sell this Town House, father. I am sacrificing ALL my commission so that the first sale will go through, but even that is no guarantee. I just don't have the strength. What is it Lord? Why do I feel so low? If I felt well and positive, then I wouldn't be daunted by this setback. So where do I get this internal completeness form that I lack?

I need it from you, Lord. I need you to make me feel like I can do anything. I know your word says that I can do all things through Christ Jesus that gives me strength. (Phil 4.13) But will the strength come as I do it, or will I feel stronger after I have done it and it has worked?

M. Scott Peck says that life is hard. So does John Eldredge. John goes further to say that "The glory of God is man fully alive". God, let your Kingdom come then and let your glory come. Let me be fully alive. Right now I feel fully zombie.

The Unthinkable has Happened!

Yesterday I flew to Durban to be with my dad who turned 80. This in itself was feat of quite some extraordinary magic as only the Lord can produce. Through a most amazing circumstance I have reestablished contact with an old lover from times gone by, and some healing occurred. During a councelling session with my shrink processing this led to some memories about my dad coming up. In processing these, I came to the unthinkable insight that my father may not always thoughtlessly have been out to hurt and belittle me. Perhaps some of what he did he did with the genuine desire to spend time with me and do good to me. (Sure he did some stupid things, but even those he only did because he was wired that way: I know how often I have hurt my own kids in the same way!)

So the upshot of it was that yesterday I spent the day with him alone. We talked and drank some wine and had a meal and so on, and besides the fact that I think much healing occurred in me which I will only see realised in the years to come, I know he enjoyed it and it valued him in ways I never imagined.

Only a week ago this would have seemed impossible. Through a confluence of circumstance to strange to describe, the Lord has reconnected me with an ex (who remains such!) and through the contributions of my brother and sister, we had a great day with minimal inconvenience on a practical level.

I think that now we will be relating as adults more than as blamed adult and hurt child. Who knows where the future will lead?!