double standards
“Why don’t you just ask me to do what you want me to do? Why all this…nonsense of ‘what should I do about…?’ You know you really want me to take him to school!”
I really regret my tone now. I know why it irritates me that she asks me in that roundabout way. I do not respond well to manipulation. And one person’s manipulation is another man’s diplomacy.
I feel the stitches between my mask and my heart working loose. Later I hate myself. Preparing a talk about spiritual worship; I am a case study for the failure thereof. Some things you just can’t find nice words to say. I am a hypocrite, that’s for sure. I preach each week about this stuff. I encourage and I cajole, finding nice spiritual words to make people obey. Yet my own heart cannot even obey.
But of course this is the rub. There is a great big split in my heart. That is the point, isn’t it? i am split right down the middle. And that is what this journey is about; To heal that split. There is a great big rip right down the fabric of my being. My mind worships submission and my heart worships independence. There is no way to gloss over it… there is, right now, just no way that I will allow myself to be uprooted from the safety of my angerblackhole. My will can do its damndest, but my heart firmly believes that unless I take care of myself there is no way I will survive.
Working out my salvation in fear and trembling… hokaai!
I really regret my tone now. I know why it irritates me that she asks me in that roundabout way. I do not respond well to manipulation. And one person’s manipulation is another man’s diplomacy.
I feel the stitches between my mask and my heart working loose. Later I hate myself. Preparing a talk about spiritual worship; I am a case study for the failure thereof. Some things you just can’t find nice words to say. I am a hypocrite, that’s for sure. I preach each week about this stuff. I encourage and I cajole, finding nice spiritual words to make people obey. Yet my own heart cannot even obey.
But of course this is the rub. There is a great big split in my heart. That is the point, isn’t it? i am split right down the middle. And that is what this journey is about; To heal that split. There is a great big rip right down the fabric of my being. My mind worships submission and my heart worships independence. There is no way to gloss over it… there is, right now, just no way that I will allow myself to be uprooted from the safety of my angerblackhole. My will can do its damndest, but my heart firmly believes that unless I take care of myself there is no way I will survive.
Working out my salvation in fear and trembling… hokaai!
posted by Duncan Bouwer at 20:26
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