Ex-Gay Watch #1
I have taken to processing some of my stuff on Ex-Gay Watch of all places! It is also on my ExGay Talk podcast if you want to listen instead. Otherwise I will be posting it here too... here it is!
"I think however that if we are all to be honest, we can only ever reflect the part of our journey we are on. There has been a time when I resolutely called myslf "no longer under the curse of death" (read: homosexual). After that I said I was no longer gay (read: that I had revoked my choice to live a gay lifestyle). After that I started admitting that I still had same-sex attractions, but that didn't mean that I was gay because the attractions were unwanted (and still are). Now I have moved one step further. I am in a place where I would rather stay in some sort of denial position and not say anything at all, because the issues are SO complex and it is simply not possible to reduce any person's journey to a formula that will work for everybody. But I can tell you, that people are more important than their ideology and God thinks so too. I have been absent for quite some time, not posting on any websites and not updating my own. I have not posted any podcasts either. I have been through an extended process of mourning the loss of a church that my wife and I planted (it is not over yet...) The (extremely destructive) process through which we went has exposed many huge holes in my psyche which we are trying to sort out as we speak. (we: me, the Lord, my wife and my councellor, and my good friends!) In the process it has come to my attention that seeing people as their ideology is damaging and that Jesus cares not one whit about it. In recent time gay marriage has been ligitimised in South Africa. Do I rant and rave in the streets about what this does for the image of marriage? NO! Why? Because I know some very dear gay people and if they were to want to get married I for one wouldn't want to be the one to say I wouldn't attend because I care for them and I know that the Lord does too! Would I attend? I have no idea. But I would have to process my decision with them based on my care for them and my being true to what I believe. Hence I really hope that they never decide to get married (denial).
"I think however that if we are all to be honest, we can only ever reflect the part of our journey we are on. There has been a time when I resolutely called myslf "no longer under the curse of death" (read: homosexual). After that I said I was no longer gay (read: that I had revoked my choice to live a gay lifestyle). After that I started admitting that I still had same-sex attractions, but that didn't mean that I was gay because the attractions were unwanted (and still are). Now I have moved one step further. I am in a place where I would rather stay in some sort of denial position and not say anything at all, because the issues are SO complex and it is simply not possible to reduce any person's journey to a formula that will work for everybody. But I can tell you, that people are more important than their ideology and God thinks so too. I have been absent for quite some time, not posting on any websites and not updating my own. I have not posted any podcasts either. I have been through an extended process of mourning the loss of a church that my wife and I planted (it is not over yet...) The (extremely destructive) process through which we went has exposed many huge holes in my psyche which we are trying to sort out as we speak. (we: me, the Lord, my wife and my councellor, and my good friends!) In the process it has come to my attention that seeing people as their ideology is damaging and that Jesus cares not one whit about it. In recent time gay marriage has been ligitimised in South Africa. Do I rant and rave in the streets about what this does for the image of marriage? NO! Why? Because I know some very dear gay people and if they were to want to get married I for one wouldn't want to be the one to say I wouldn't attend because I care for them and I know that the Lord does too! Would I attend? I have no idea. But I would have to process my decision with them based on my care for them and my being true to what I believe. Hence I really hope that they never decide to get married (denial).
While I was in hiding, I received an email from one of the moderators of Ex-Gay Watch, asking if I was OK, since I hadn't posted on my podcast in a while. I melted, and it affirmed for me what is to be my guiding principle as long as I remain vaguely sane: Jesus was (and is) concerned with people and their hearts and feelings and so I should be.
I have a lot more to say, and I will say it here to you as well as on my podcast as time goes by. This is enough for now. I will be updating my website since it is outdated and doesn't reflect where I am now. It would be more honest for it to reflect a developing journey, rather than a destination. God help me as I grow. And you too!"
posted by Duncan Bouwer at 13:33
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