Ex-Gay Watch #2

I must be honest, I don't have the strength to debate. I realise that one cannot be anything without it somehow seeming like an indictment to somebody else. Our very existence as people who have made a choice against homosexuality as a preferred lifestyle choice, is perceived as an accusation by some. Of course, when we make the choice, we need to justify it. It is such a radical decision it is just as well to know why one does it ;-). As of this moment, it is as much to do with my wife and children as anything else. Maybe more. But I wouldn't go back. I love my wife and she and my kids are God's greatest gift to me besides my growing sense of self-respect and love. My whole world works well the way it is. If I had to lose my family for some reason (God forbid!) I would really stay the way I am. My whole support system is heterosexual. And I don't want to be gay. In my case it was a good plan to make sense of a chaotic childhood. I truly believe that my journey is towards heterosexuality as a by-product of Christ-likeness. And no, I don't know if it is the same for you, but I do know that Jesus has compassion for me the way I am and for you the way you are.

Does that mean that I am sliding towards a sort of post-modern relativism as far as the whole issue goes? No, I don't think so. I still believe that it was never God's intention for me to be gay and also for you. I believe that homosexuality is a product of the fall, as much as anything else in this world. Make of that what you will. But I don't think you are bad because you are gay, any more than I think I am bad because I have an over-developed desire to please people in order to be loved. It is just something I have to deal with and hope that my relationship with the Lord enables me to integrate in the most God-hornouring and people-loving way possible. (Lord! I even sound sanctimonious to myself! Pass the bag!)

A few of you have discussed the issue of whether I am actually bisexual and not innately gay. I couldn't say for sure. The issue brings up a few points. One: I am not attracted to any other women besides my wife. Two: I am still attracted to men. This is the additional attraction that I have to manage. Three: (and this is the can of worms) I most probably am not genetically gay (if there is such a thing). There are some men who know and have always known that they are gay. I am not one of them. It never occurred to me until I was 18. But once I discovered it I took to it like a duck to water.

The can of worms reveals the following: yes, I most probably should try and overcome my father issues and in the end outgrow my same-sex attraction. But what does that mean for those of you who are genetically gay? I honestly don't know. Does the bible make a distinction between homosexuals and people like me? They say so. Do I believe it? Not sure. Probably not. OK folks, hand out the bag of stones...!

You see why I would just like to ignore the whole issue until Jesus returns to tell us what the whole truth is?