Ex-Gay Watch #3

I am not fooling myself that I am more than a person on a journey, but if we as "ex-gays" are honest, (and that goes for your as gays as well) we are all on a journey.

Perhaps a dream I had would illustrate. I was in a deep dark swimming pool which had all sorts of muck in it (all the issues of my past which I have to process to heal and grow). From outside the pool a sort of machine (in SA we call it a creepy-crawly - a pool-cleaning machine) was lowered into the pool and started sucking the water out of the pool. I got out of the pool, and found Glen (my lover of 5 years - the one who said I couldn't have been gay to start with if I was going to go straight) and my wife sitting next to each other on the side of the pool. I walked up to Glen and tenderly kissed him on the mouth (non-sexually but lovingly) and then did the same to my wife. For me these two facets of me (gay and straight) were cooperating to help me grow and heal. I deeply respect Glen because he never expected me to change. He accepted me just the way I was, disco-bunny and all. (I remember another intellectual, a friend of Glen's who was around when I met him, asking him what he saw in me. He didn't dignify it with an answer as far as I can remember, but he stayed around and loved me for 5 lovely years) Glen introduced me to family. His parents and family all accepted him (and me) as we were. Remember that was in the 80's!

Only recently I realised that I mourned the friendship and love I had with him, which I lost when I gave up the gay lifestyle. He was justifiably very angry with me and rejected me. (We were not together at the time. He had moved to London 2 years before). The funny thing was that when I realised that I was deeply sorrowful about the love that I had lost there (he never "sent me on my way" but we ended badly) I connected to my "gay" self and a deep healing started to occur. This person who I had become in those 12 years I was actively gay, was and is an integral part of me which I should not deny or suppress. I will carry that person with me into the future.