pulling the scab off

The Presence of God

In the silence of my innermost being,
in the fragments of my yearned-for wholeness,
can I hear the whispers of God's presence?
Can I remember when I felt God's nearness?
When we walked together and I let myself be embraced by God's love.

You are here, to the degree that I can let myself experience you. I respond to your whispers, Lord…you have been waiting there in the twilight temple of my heart, your breath soft and expectant. This is a holy, place, my heart is: the scene of our meeting when I can dial down and go there to know you. Blessed Presence, there you gather me up, all of splinters and hold them in your hand. You whisper to me of love and of acceptance. Of unconditional “positive regard”! I feel you near, as I type about this into my computer. Oh, precious God, oh, Gift of inestimable value! I drink thirstily of your waters… quenching my thirst and at the same time instigating a thirst that will not be quenched this side of the grave. I yearn for you near me… and you are closer still…

Freedom

"In these days, God taught me
as a schoolteacher teaches a pupil"(St Ignatius).
I remind myself that there are things God has to teach me yet,
and ask for the grace to hear them and let them change me.

Oh, Lord, I am afraid that unless I am goaded by my trauma, I will not seek you out again and again as I do now. But then, I know that you have a lot to teach me; that unless I go here into our secret space, you will wait for me until I come again… I want to know what you have for me; I want to receive what you want me to know… I do not want to miss the time or the teaching. Holy Spirit, be here now and make me receptive, taking me by the hand and showing me your world. You are most precious to me. My world is a different place because of you. Usher me into the mysteries of ordinariness and godliness. I want ot be AWARE, knowing what you want me to see and feeling what you want me to fee. I submerge myself into the shadowy pools of you love as you teach me, teach me, teach me….God I await your pleasure!

Consciousness

In God's loving presence I unwind the past day,
starting from now and looking back, moment by moment.
I gather in all the goodness and light, in gratitude.
I attend to the shadows and what they say to me,
seeking healing, courage, forgiveness.

It was a good day… you were present in the little things, and I know that I was not very anxious. It was actually quite odd, knowing what faces me in the next months. I still need to look into the lust that I seek out, wanting to know what it tells me of myself. Please Father; show me what it is that still lurks in the shadows, that haunts me through my efforts at secret pleasure. Why do I still need to feast my eyes; what is it that is satisfied by looking? What insecurity is evident in wanting to be like them? As I dwell in my mind on the images,

Yes Lord you are faithful. I pull the scab off and let you look into the maggot-infested depths of my hungry heart… shine your light, Father, wash me clean… unveil my heart!

The Word
I take my time to read the Word of God, slowly, a few times,
allowing myself to dwell on anything that strikes me.

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Matthew 12:46-50

While Jesus was still speaking to the crowds, his mother and his brothers were standing outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone told him, "Look, your mother and your brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you." But to the one who had told him this, Jesus replied, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" And pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."

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What are you saying to me, Lord?

Thos things that grew me up and secured me during the time that I grew up, make demands on me and want to call me mother and brother. But I will be-“familied” by obedience to God, but the callings and the growings of Jesus my teacher and Rabbi. I bind myself to you, Jesus, and the teachings of the Holy Spirit and undertake to expose my ties and the sins of my fathers to the light that will root out the wrong beliefs that bind me to the past. You alone are my God, and you alone are my teacher. I bind myself to you and call YOU my family. I will walk into the future in your footsteps only. Call me back when I wander Lord,

Conversation

Do I notice myself reacting as I pray with the Word of God?
Do I feel challenged, comforted, angry?
Imagining Jesus sitting or standing by me,
I speak out my feelings, as one trusted friend to another.

I see what I have not seen before. I make myself one, and bind mylsef to your purposes. You are my light; light my path. I am washed by your word. Blessed be!

Conclusion

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
world without end.

AMEN