meditation 11 July 2005

From Sacred Space Daily Devotional

The Presence of God

To be present is to arrive as one is and open up to the other. At this instant, as I arrive here, God is present waiting for me. God always arrives before me, desiring to connect with me even more than my most intimate friend. I take a moment and greet my loving God.

You have to have been here even when I am strung out because my child is crying, teeth coming thru. I know you have to be capable of receiving me as I am; that my tension and anger are no impediment to you. I present myself to you, lover of my soul, You have been waiting for me: prepared with the heart that is geared towards MY needs. "While we were yet sinners..."

So here I am. I breathe your acceptance of me deep into my fibres. Your love washes over me. I am here, I am now, I am present for you as you are present for me. Well Met, God of all!

Freedom

There are very few people
who realise what God would make of them
if they abandoned themselves into his hands,
and let themselves be formed by his grace. (St Ignatius)
I ask for the grace to trust myself totally to God's love.

The things I cannot order and ordain...everything... I entrust to you. Your hopes for me, your fondest dreams, I would so dearly like to be those things. But trapped between my fear of not achieving what I can, and my inability to orchestrate my highest potential, I float forever suspended in the vacuum of mediocrity. Rescue me father! Pluck success from the jaws of failure and do with me! Let me suck of your milk of grace. The nourishment you provide manifest due to my need. My need manifest due to your provision. The true ying and yang. I eat of you again, my God, hoping that as I succumb to the call of compassion I will be enabled to digest your goodness...

Let me abandon myself to you!

Consciousness

Knowing that God loves me unconditionally,
I look honestly over the last day, its events and my feelings.
Do I have something to be grateful for? Then I give thanks.
Is there something I am sorry for? Then I ask forgiveness.

Thank you Father for my friends. You have given me real friends who are a balm for my weary soul. They are truly the epitome of your grace for me. Their love speaks to me of your care. I revel in it, and sing in my heart of your love for me. Why do they love me? I struggle to fathom except to know at the surface that you have given me to them. Somehow our lives are enriched by each other. How your body functions. Building up, consoling, encouraging. Thank you God for my friends!

Forgive me for the mean streak in me. Forgive me for hurting J, weak and innocent as he is. Pure emotion and instinct as he is, I lash out at him. He doesn't deserve it and I am so sorry. Wash me clean of my hatefulness. He deserves so much better.

My petty responses to D & J C, oh how sad and insignificant my little rages. How easily I am touched where it hurts. I choose to respond, not react. How far from shepherd I am... Ungracious and small... FORGIVE ME

The Word
I take my time to read the Word of God, slowly, a few times,
allowing myself to dwell on anything that strikes me.

---

Matthew 19:27-29

Then Peter said, "Look, we have left everything and followed you. What then will we have?" Jesus said to them, "Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man is seated on the throne of his glory, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold, and will inherit eternal life."

---

What are you saying to me, Lord?

My right to have a thin skin and revenge... I give that up. I lay it down for your sake, knowing that you are the pearl of great price. Selling everything for you...I walk after you and follow you wherever you may go. You are my great reward. You are my great prize. I cannot DO anything to deserve you. But I must lose everything else. I must choose to forsake all that stands between me and you. So I breathe deeply the loss of rights. I breathe deeply the sweet absence of things. And I clutch sincerely to your hem, knowing that where you go there is LIFE! Jesus, sweet lover of my soul. Beautiful redeemer. Saving me from the paltry prize of insignificance by stripping me of all I would naturally be and bestowing upon me the boon of godliness. amazing

Conversation

Remembering that I am still in God's presence,
I imagine Jesus himself standing or sitting beside me,
and say whatever is on my mind, whatever is in my heart,
speaking as one friend to another.

amazing that you love me, that you want me. it blows my mind. and you will never go away. you just look at me and there is love in your eyes. it burns my heart. it wrenches me out of my measly reality and i lurch into heaven, dissembled and deranged: a creature out of its element. you watch as i stare, scared of retribution that i have ventured into such rarefied atmosphere, and slowly realise that alien as i am, this is my universe; close to you. your compassion is... so strange to me.

"hush"

"hush"

how different i would be if i could come to believe that you know me yet love me. no shadow of rejection. no rumour of desertion.

just you and me forever.

selah

Conclusion

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
world without end.
AMEN