sunrise

The Presence of God

As I sit here, the beating of my heart,
the ebb and flow of my breathing, the movements of my mind
are all signs of God's ongoing creation of me.
I pause for a moment, and become aware
of this presence of God within me.

WELCOME Lord

I open the sluices a little.

I see the rosy touch of dawn

Trembling warmly

Palely

Wan in the morning mists

Your light reflects off my mind

I respond to you alone

All that you are

And all that I am

We dance in gentle concert

We feel each other out

Remembering yesterday

And heralding

This day’s communion

My God

You are so welcome

When you are there

I drain my heart

Of every bitter taint

Every horrid taste

Of hell’s unwelcome guilt

Your standard never shifts

Now this

Now something else

But still and sure

You remain my measure

Your love is ever sure

Your life and death

Are ever there

The first and last of all

The jot and tittles fixed

I bless your coming love

morning prayer

I

You presence within

I reach out/in

And awareness bleeds

Slowly at first

Into my mind

Me heart is next

Sniffing the wind

Where is my God

Where is he now?

Follow the trail

Of joy

Abba? Abba?

I’ve lost your scent

Where are you,

God my Father?

I wait

You have not yet

Left me unattended

Never once that I have called

Have I remained alone

Then I look down

I feel the rhythm

I see you there

Carrying me all along

II

Welcome!

Well met my God!

I leap within my heart

Your eyes are there

Sweet joy reflecting

You gaze into my heart

No shadow there

To mar our moment

Awake, I see your pleasure!

And I respond

Well met indeed!

You are my love

And lover still.

III

The old impediments

Guilt, fear and pain

Seem far away from me

Since I woke up

Since I tuned in

To how you think

Of me…

I thank you now

I thank you then

Both in the past

And coming

You make

You’ve made

Will make me

Me

Creation

Unadorned

Unashamed

Just me

Job 2 -- please no, God

The pool is deep today

The bottom not so clear

I drift in the gloom

Of my troubled heart

Yet you are here

With me in this

Your words of warmth

Buoy me up

Oh lord, I need you now

Now not to drown

But rather

Again to prevail

Drinking instead

From your sweetest streams

Flow in me my God

Flow in me now

Your cleansing and

Comfort

My only anchor

Draw me in

Draw me close

Draw me into you

surfacing again

I

You purposed me

Before I was

so I could be today

You never doubted

Should or shouldn’t I

Just in case I wasn’t

Good enough

So now I buy

That ancient gift

To use

What I can be

Your life in me

Your love in me

Your hope for me

Forever!

Jesus, father, spirit, I welcome your presence, abiding and eternal in me. You will never leave me, ever again. You will never desert your post. You dwelling place in me is secure. I drink you in again! You are oh so faithful.

II

From inside my morning numbness

You slowly tickle

Your presence bubbling

Against my sleep-soothed mind

Then suddenly

Joyfully!

You spurt your Spirit through the day’s new nerves

And cry your holy joy and love

Against the blankness of my little death

Announcing that today again is new life

Today again is old life

Renewed afresh

My God

Abide in me…!

morning psalm

I
Dear God. You are here, now, and I acknowledge you and I make myself available to you. You are present in all things, You are here, even when I don’t feel you but now I do feel you. You reach into me

Your tender touch enlivens my heart—

Your loving breath upon my soul

Coming to find my deepest longings

For you

And only you

Have the touch

Only to your Finger

Does my heart respond

I draw you in

I welcome you

Come to me my Maker

Come to me my rescuer

Come and carry me into your arms

Oh beautiful one!

I can even taste you

And know that you satisfy

More than the loving of any

That I have known

They all fade

They all fail

The are all false

Because their motives are measly

Wanting more for themselves

Than they are able to give

But you

You above all others

Play me like a melody

Sweet to your ear

And together we make music

Eternally…

II

My Lord,

There is no other way

Just to lay down my heart

for your pleasure

blow in and out of me

through and through

access me freely

in my most troublesome shadows

tell me your purposes

and I will fall into line

you are my Master

come, Master me fully

III

I ache for your presence

Lonely for you

The balm of my existence

The Meaning of life

My anger abates

My sorrow less searing and sore

As I gaze at your visage

You confuse my rough passions

Surely goodness and mercy

Will overwhelm me completely

I am not able

To digest such largesse!

You love is quite cosmic

The universe would cower

At the miniscule detail

Of your galactic grace

I tremble in silence

Quite humbled

Quite still

Awake to your glory

Mute

With

Wonder

IV

All my passions parade their prideful selves

So easily hurt by the thorn that goads them

I shriek my insistence

Wildly stating my intentions:

I will not be ignored!

I will not be dismissed

Yet

You never looked away

Not an instant in the worst of it

And your bleeding heart was beating

To the rhythm of my crying

As I built up my defenses

To ensure my survival

You stood up to peer

Over ever-growing walls

At last I could hear you

Only ever so faintly

The muffled mercy

My benefactor

Excluded

I would rather be hurting

I would rather be

In agony

Than to leave you out there

So far from my pain

Come to me

Come to me

I will dismantle the mortar

Of my misguided heart

And slowly I see you

Your face still so faithful

What joy the reunion

Though you never were gone.

Immersed in your mercy

Immersed in

You

pulling the scab off

The Presence of God

In the silence of my innermost being,
in the fragments of my yearned-for wholeness,
can I hear the whispers of God's presence?
Can I remember when I felt God's nearness?
When we walked together and I let myself be embraced by God's love.

You are here, to the degree that I can let myself experience you. I respond to your whispers, Lord…you have been waiting there in the twilight temple of my heart, your breath soft and expectant. This is a holy, place, my heart is: the scene of our meeting when I can dial down and go there to know you. Blessed Presence, there you gather me up, all of splinters and hold them in your hand. You whisper to me of love and of acceptance. Of unconditional “positive regard”! I feel you near, as I type about this into my computer. Oh, precious God, oh, Gift of inestimable value! I drink thirstily of your waters… quenching my thirst and at the same time instigating a thirst that will not be quenched this side of the grave. I yearn for you near me… and you are closer still…

Freedom

"In these days, God taught me
as a schoolteacher teaches a pupil"(St Ignatius).
I remind myself that there are things God has to teach me yet,
and ask for the grace to hear them and let them change me.

Oh, Lord, I am afraid that unless I am goaded by my trauma, I will not seek you out again and again as I do now. But then, I know that you have a lot to teach me; that unless I go here into our secret space, you will wait for me until I come again… I want to know what you have for me; I want to receive what you want me to know… I do not want to miss the time or the teaching. Holy Spirit, be here now and make me receptive, taking me by the hand and showing me your world. You are most precious to me. My world is a different place because of you. Usher me into the mysteries of ordinariness and godliness. I want ot be AWARE, knowing what you want me to see and feeling what you want me to fee. I submerge myself into the shadowy pools of you love as you teach me, teach me, teach me….God I await your pleasure!

Consciousness

In God's loving presence I unwind the past day,
starting from now and looking back, moment by moment.
I gather in all the goodness and light, in gratitude.
I attend to the shadows and what they say to me,
seeking healing, courage, forgiveness.

It was a good day… you were present in the little things, and I know that I was not very anxious. It was actually quite odd, knowing what faces me in the next months. I still need to look into the lust that I seek out, wanting to know what it tells me of myself. Please Father; show me what it is that still lurks in the shadows, that haunts me through my efforts at secret pleasure. Why do I still need to feast my eyes; what is it that is satisfied by looking? What insecurity is evident in wanting to be like them? As I dwell in my mind on the images,

Yes Lord you are faithful. I pull the scab off and let you look into the maggot-infested depths of my hungry heart… shine your light, Father, wash me clean… unveil my heart!

The Word
I take my time to read the Word of God, slowly, a few times,
allowing myself to dwell on anything that strikes me.

---

Matthew 12:46-50

While Jesus was still speaking to the crowds, his mother and his brothers were standing outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone told him, "Look, your mother and your brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you." But to the one who had told him this, Jesus replied, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" And pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."

---

What are you saying to me, Lord?

Thos things that grew me up and secured me during the time that I grew up, make demands on me and want to call me mother and brother. But I will be-“familied” by obedience to God, but the callings and the growings of Jesus my teacher and Rabbi. I bind myself to you, Jesus, and the teachings of the Holy Spirit and undertake to expose my ties and the sins of my fathers to the light that will root out the wrong beliefs that bind me to the past. You alone are my God, and you alone are my teacher. I bind myself to you and call YOU my family. I will walk into the future in your footsteps only. Call me back when I wander Lord,

Conversation

Do I notice myself reacting as I pray with the Word of God?
Do I feel challenged, comforted, angry?
Imagining Jesus sitting or standing by me,
I speak out my feelings, as one trusted friend to another.

I see what I have not seen before. I make myself one, and bind mylsef to your purposes. You are my light; light my path. I am washed by your word. Blessed be!

Conclusion

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
world without end.

AMEN

seeking the safe place

the joy is fragile

it trembles tenderly

a new-born notion

that everything is not

dangerously transient

that

in every magic moment

a let-down lurks

so my heart still welcomes

those well-aimed darts

that seek out the unhealed heart

those little particles of pain

where my old self still hungers --

I take my heart in hand

And still my taunting thoughts

Their history a vivid memory

Of almost-fatal falls

Yet again I dodge the daggers

Aimed at my deepest deeps

And trudge with grim resolve

To find a breathless peace

All this to make the space

for

A presence full of healing

He who restores and comforts

Who carries me some more.

Love beckons

Love calls

Love receives

Love loves.

I welcome love

I love love

And love loves me.

Still

Until I can accustom

My ever-fearing self

That there will be a time

When I will fully know

That joy is deep and lasting

That love is strong

And true

I hope he will still humour

My need to have him say

“I love you, my beloved

Just be in my embrace

It’s safe here in the darkness.

Abide, abide

Yes, stay”

ANOTHER MEDITATION.

The Presence of God

As I sit here at my computer, God is present,
breathing life into me and into everything around me.
For a few moments, I sit silently,
and become aware of God's loving presence.

I receive you my Father. You are the source of my life. Finally I am beginning to understand that you are FOR me. Your intentions towards me are GOOD! I picture you, looking at me as I sit here typing away; and amazingly enough; there is love in your eyes. Fondness. Sometimes you are disappointed I am sure. But your love overshadows it all. You really are God; here and near.

Freedom

A thick and shapeless tree-trunk would never believe
that it could become a statue, admired as a miracle of sculpture,
and would never submit itself to the chisel of the sculptor,
who sees by her genius what she can make of it. (St Ignatius)
I ask for the grace to let myself be shaped by my loving Creator.

YES! Shape me Father! Make me what I am best intended to be! Every breath, every moment, you work at me, making me into something precious. NO! I am already precious! You shape me to become the finished work of the father. Lovingly you carve and chafe. I welcome your work in me. Only love can accomplish the best for me and only you love me utterly. I welcome your attentions, Lord…

Consciousness

How am I really feeling? Lighthearted? Heavy-hearted?
I may be very much at peace, happy to be here.
Equally, I may be frustrated, worried or angry.
I acknowledge how I really am. It is the real me that the Lord loves.

I feel in me a weight of PRESENCE. You in me. Lord, I ask that this will last. I have felt so many varieties of sensation, but this may just end up in a deep and abiding JOY! How that would alter my life. Not to have an underlying dread that what I feel now has to end at some time soon. “Na lekker lag kom lekker huil…” no longer. If only I could get used to this. Knowing. That I. Am loved.

The Word
I take my time to read the Word of God, slowly, a few times,
allowing myself to dwell on anything that strikes me.

---

Matthew 11:25-27

At that time Jesus said, "I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and the intelligent and have revealed them to infants; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. All things have been handed over to me by my Father; and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him."

---

What are you saying to me, Lord?

So, Jesus, you are revealing the Father to me. At last I get to see and understand who and what you are. At least inasmuch as it concerns me. You are the lover of my soul. Thanks too that I do not have to be learned to know what it is to be loved by you. You are showing yourself to me, and I LOVE IT!

Conversation
Do I notice myself reacting as I pray with the Word of God?
Do I feel challenged, comforted, angry?
Imagining Jesus sitting or standing by me,
I speak out my feelings, as one trusted friend to another.

No, I am not angry. I am definitely encouraged. I feel sated. Having feasted again on you. Satisfied with love. More of this Lord. More love, more of you in my life! Blessed God!

Conclusion

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
world without end. AMEN

anxiety 2

2005-07-13

Dear Father,

I am feeling a bit anxious about the next few weeks. I am trying not to think about the issues and the practical stuff too much, since I am on leave, but I am anxious. So I put it all into your hands father. Again I commit my heart and its fears to you. I know you have ordained this plant and so I trust that you will enable us to do what is necessary to bring it about. Father, I know that you love me. I know that you made me for this. I know that there is bound to be opposition but that you are more than able to do what is required and to make sure that we know what is required of us. I receive your love, lord. I know that you are not out to get me by allowing me to fail. You have perfect confidence in me. You chose me for this job and I rest in that. And the truth is that while I am the one on earth who is to bring this about, you are the one in heaven who has all the power and wisdom we all need to make a success of it.

Lord, so please secure me in you. There are some practical things that we need to do. And these can only be done by your spirit. If you do not go before us then no matter how much we do there will be no fruit. Please father, help me to know when and what to do, let me lead with wisdom and foresight and strength and let me more than anything lead out of a deep trust in YOU and that you are for us and not against us. There are always so many different issues to face, but none of them is a surprise to you.

Lord, so send your spirit before us. Let him make a way for us in the neighbourhood and with the people. Let him come upon us and prepare us, let him come upon us and make us what we are supposed to be for this neighbourhood.

I fear failure lord. I am scared to make a mess of things. There is so much riding on it and so many people influenced by this. Finally we are on the rd and you are ahead of us and we do it for love of you. Be our God and we will be your people. Show us what to do and when. God be our banner!

meditation 12-7-05

The Presence of God

As I sit here at my computer, God is here.
Around me, in my sensations, in my thoughts and deep within me.
I pause for a moment, and become aware
of God's life-giving presence.

welcome jesus
it is still fresh in my memory the last time i was with you like this. i was so surprised to feel your love for me. your genuine pleasure to see me and to be with me. i let myself feel your joy. what a strange thought! glad to see me! i could get used to this!i could be changed by this! my heart is thick with something i don't recognise too well. pleasure. somebody else's pleasure. you don't need me. you just like being with me. for its own sake. i feel about a foot taller

Freedom

God is not foreign to my freedom.
Instead the Spirit breathes life into my most intimate desires,
gently nudging me towards all that is good.
I ask for the grace to let myself be enfolded by the Spirit.

the best me i can be. you want for me what i would want if i were whole. i sink back into what that would mean. you are hoping for me: that someday i may be free to experience life without fear. you are so amazing! life with you is so amazing! you are my Lord and i love it! not bending into trying to please me because you do not need my affirmation to be right. you just are because you are perfect. and within that i sink back into being in that safe place. Good God! how blessed is this moment... no guilt; you've taken care of that! no fear of the future; you've got my life and fate in your hands!only hope; i am friends with the most High! talking about friends with influence. bring out the best in me Father! i free you to be God to me.

Consciousness

How am I really feeling? Lighthearted? Heavy-hearted?
I may be very much at peace, happy to be here.
Equally, I may be frustrated, worried or angry.
I acknowledge how I really am. It is the real me that the Lord loves.

joyous! not exuberantly so, but feeling safe, peaceful. God you are so good!

The Word
I take my time to read the Word of God, slowly, a few times,
allowing myself to dwell on anything that strikes me.

---

Matthew 11:20-24

Then Jesus began to reproach the cities in which most of his deeds of power had been done, because they did not repent. "Woe to you, Chorazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the deeds of power done in you had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. But I tell you, on the day of judgment it will be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon than for you. And you, Capernaum, will you be exalted to heaven? No, you will be brought down to Hades. For if the deeds of power done in you had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. But I tell you that on the day of judgment it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom than for you."

---

What are you saying to me, Lord?

Let me not be ignorant of your goodness Lord! Let me respond to your coaxing and your leading. I am your sheep and you are my shepherd, lead me. Let me not disdain your gentle nudging. let me not harden my heart and become numb to what you are saying to me. Come Spirit! do the work of the father in me. make me a vessel for the most High! soften me to your touch. let me tremble at even a whisper! oh blessed God...you are so amazing to me...

Conversation

Remembering that I am still in God's presence,
I imagine Jesus himself standing or sitting beside me,
and say whatever is on my mind, whatever is in my heart,
speaking as one friend to another.

don't leave me jesus, i love to be with you. i really want to practise your presence more and more. i want to be living out of you. out of your love and the joy of being loved: please let me not forget this...drench me with your presence. I LOVE YOU! this is the best place HALLELUJAH!

Conclusion

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
world without end. AMEN

anxiety

the future always looms
possibilities
problems in disguise
problems
possibilities in disguise
the cure?
live one day at a time
ever present
pray for today
he is God of
the now
the was
and the will be
we are people floating ever
on the edge of eternity
the wave
where only
our next move
can make a difference
maktub...
it is written

so relax and let him be God
i sure as hell aren't

meditation 11 July 2005

From Sacred Space Daily Devotional

The Presence of God

To be present is to arrive as one is and open up to the other. At this instant, as I arrive here, God is present waiting for me. God always arrives before me, desiring to connect with me even more than my most intimate friend. I take a moment and greet my loving God.

You have to have been here even when I am strung out because my child is crying, teeth coming thru. I know you have to be capable of receiving me as I am; that my tension and anger are no impediment to you. I present myself to you, lover of my soul, You have been waiting for me: prepared with the heart that is geared towards MY needs. "While we were yet sinners..."

So here I am. I breathe your acceptance of me deep into my fibres. Your love washes over me. I am here, I am now, I am present for you as you are present for me. Well Met, God of all!

Freedom

There are very few people
who realise what God would make of them
if they abandoned themselves into his hands,
and let themselves be formed by his grace. (St Ignatius)
I ask for the grace to trust myself totally to God's love.

The things I cannot order and ordain...everything... I entrust to you. Your hopes for me, your fondest dreams, I would so dearly like to be those things. But trapped between my fear of not achieving what I can, and my inability to orchestrate my highest potential, I float forever suspended in the vacuum of mediocrity. Rescue me father! Pluck success from the jaws of failure and do with me! Let me suck of your milk of grace. The nourishment you provide manifest due to my need. My need manifest due to your provision. The true ying and yang. I eat of you again, my God, hoping that as I succumb to the call of compassion I will be enabled to digest your goodness...

Let me abandon myself to you!

Consciousness

Knowing that God loves me unconditionally,
I look honestly over the last day, its events and my feelings.
Do I have something to be grateful for? Then I give thanks.
Is there something I am sorry for? Then I ask forgiveness.

Thank you Father for my friends. You have given me real friends who are a balm for my weary soul. They are truly the epitome of your grace for me. Their love speaks to me of your care. I revel in it, and sing in my heart of your love for me. Why do they love me? I struggle to fathom except to know at the surface that you have given me to them. Somehow our lives are enriched by each other. How your body functions. Building up, consoling, encouraging. Thank you God for my friends!

Forgive me for the mean streak in me. Forgive me for hurting J, weak and innocent as he is. Pure emotion and instinct as he is, I lash out at him. He doesn't deserve it and I am so sorry. Wash me clean of my hatefulness. He deserves so much better.

My petty responses to D & J C, oh how sad and insignificant my little rages. How easily I am touched where it hurts. I choose to respond, not react. How far from shepherd I am... Ungracious and small... FORGIVE ME

The Word
I take my time to read the Word of God, slowly, a few times,
allowing myself to dwell on anything that strikes me.

---

Matthew 19:27-29

Then Peter said, "Look, we have left everything and followed you. What then will we have?" Jesus said to them, "Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man is seated on the throne of his glory, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold, and will inherit eternal life."

---

What are you saying to me, Lord?

My right to have a thin skin and revenge... I give that up. I lay it down for your sake, knowing that you are the pearl of great price. Selling everything for you...I walk after you and follow you wherever you may go. You are my great reward. You are my great prize. I cannot DO anything to deserve you. But I must lose everything else. I must choose to forsake all that stands between me and you. So I breathe deeply the loss of rights. I breathe deeply the sweet absence of things. And I clutch sincerely to your hem, knowing that where you go there is LIFE! Jesus, sweet lover of my soul. Beautiful redeemer. Saving me from the paltry prize of insignificance by stripping me of all I would naturally be and bestowing upon me the boon of godliness. amazing

Conversation

Remembering that I am still in God's presence,
I imagine Jesus himself standing or sitting beside me,
and say whatever is on my mind, whatever is in my heart,
speaking as one friend to another.

amazing that you love me, that you want me. it blows my mind. and you will never go away. you just look at me and there is love in your eyes. it burns my heart. it wrenches me out of my measly reality and i lurch into heaven, dissembled and deranged: a creature out of its element. you watch as i stare, scared of retribution that i have ventured into such rarefied atmosphere, and slowly realise that alien as i am, this is my universe; close to you. your compassion is... so strange to me.

"hush"

"hush"

how different i would be if i could come to believe that you know me yet love me. no shadow of rejection. no rumour of desertion.

just you and me forever.

selah

Conclusion

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
world without end.
AMEN

thoughts on denial

I have often thought of why it is so easy to cry about a beautiful sunset of some classical music, or to allow my heart to be melted by some poignant moment on TV in a series, when my heart is so numb to my real deep pain and anguish. Now that I am trying to reach my deepest heart to expose the roots of my anger, I find that I can't. This superficial release I suppose keeps me sane, but at the same time is the barrier between me and real emotional growth.

Sentimentality is the shadow of emotion. Real emotion released produces growth because it hurts. Sentimentality produces no life because it cooperates with the movement of death in us. Entropy. When we don't grow we do not stagnate, we die. Every opportunity missed for real growth is a tragedy. Denial is not stasis: it is an opportunity missed.

dunno...

thoughts of relating to God

Everything takes work. If you love somebody you have to cultivate them. It's the law of the universe. Entropy. Anything left to its own devices will degenerate. Put that together with an innate human propensity towards laziness and you have a potential disaster. And I am not talking about my marriage, in spite of the image here (that's just to symbolise the eternal love of God...and marriage which is forever) Maybe it is just me.

Funny that the other apsect that is potentially disastrous is that God is invisible and doesn't always push himself under our noses. He is ok to wait for us while we sneak off to other watering holes and "quench' our thirst. He works behind the scenes, yes, but it can be too easy to fill our hearts with other stuff at the expense of our relationships with him. I think this particular case is easier to explain because when we are faced with him, he requires of us that we constantly look inwards and doesn't let us get away with moral, mental, spiritual laziness. Disturbing and uncomfortable. So unless we are pleased to really look at ourselves and be prepared to change in uncomfortable ways, we should probably avoid him. But rather look at myself a bit at a time than to see the whole awful lot holus bolus when I am faced with him one day, as I inevitably will be.

Funny that he is not content to be an incidental pastime. That's why he says that he wants all of us. "All you heart, mind and strength". That sounds like everything. I have pictures of myself sort groaning and sweating, willing myself to love him, when actually he just wants us to direct LIVING at him. The rest will follow. Ah, God... such an eccentric character, not so? So out of pace with reality.

I couldn't be more relieved. Because his commitment is the same as he requires from us. Now THAT'S a good thing. I need somebody to come thru for me.

you win i lose

I have been looking around at some blogs. This is really the most amazing tool. Everybody gets to say their say. I suppose that it takes a certain type of person to blog. Not everybody could be bothered to put stuff out there in the vain hope that somebody might just see it and say something about it. And then there is the chance that they may say something negative about your blog and then...well.

"anyhoo" as my nephew says...

I came across a blog (or rather a little network of blogs) of a gay guy (and his friends) in London. He had some stuff to say.The Dangerous Man he calls himself. He makes a whole lot of statements which from his perspective are quite reasonable. Stuff like religion is irrelevant. He also talks about gay marriage and stuff like that. I gave in to the temptation to say something and then realised that there is little that i can say that will be understood as it was intended. When you say something that has relevance outside of the context that it comments on, then it almost always runs the risk of sounding petty/narrow-minded/old-fashioned... you fill in the blank. There is almost no way for me to say something from my perspective as an ExGay Christian without sounding as if I have lost the plot.

So does one say anything? Well I think so and I hope that we can get over ourselves enough to...well, to what? Is it worth it? What's the point? Because what i have to say is not politically correct and that is the criteria at the moment. Religion is passe, and that's that. But I suppose that this is the nature of what I have become. I am irrelevent to the world. The Bible says I would. All that I say can be interpreted in a way that will make me look foolish and unsophisticated. I have to live with that. There is actually no way to speak across the divide. Because I break the one cardinal rule: I believe in an absolute. And that's not "nice", or cool. I have to come and spoil everybody's fun by saying that there's a right way and a wrong way. Bummer!

meditation

from the Jesuit Site "Sacred Space" (link in the bar to the right)

The Presence of God

God is with me, but more, God is within me.
Let me dwell for a moment on God's life-giving presence
in my body, in my mind, in my heart,
as I sit here, right now.

ME...

Let me just allow that thought to penetrate my heart... when you said "you are my son, today have I begotten you" you meant me as well. I am you handiwork, I am your labour of love. love conceived of such a thing as me, love gave me life. I am no accident. I am your idea, and you wanted me to be. then, more, you came to me and settled in me like a dove in a nest. contented, you live in temple you created, you dwell there, me, your dwelling-place.

I receive you... or, a prepare myself to know that tender fact. God most high, you love me and you have loved me since always. AND I PRAISE YOU! you are all to me. my heart is slowly warmed into life by your presence. worship rolls from my tongue. slowly I thaw and am able to be freely who I am meant to be.

Worship Oh my heart,
worhip oh my soul.
worship every part of me
I call you Lord!
Keeper
Comforter
Comrade.
Hallelujah!

Freedom

I need to close out the noise, to rise above the noise;
The noise that interrupts, that separates,
The noise that isolates.
I need to listen to God again.

ME

My thoughts jabber and chat
you DID this, you ARE that
”SILENCE!” you command

submission

I float upwards into your loving arms.
put my head upon your godly breast
only the steady rhythm of your loving heart
creator's core
stills my empty mutterings

"whom will you hear?
the one who gave you life
and calls you forth into LIFE
Or the one who has resolved to drown me out
pretending to be your very own thoughts?
Find your hear in ME
here you are yourself...
cradled in my heart
creator-companion...
ever-safe
ever-loved
ever-you and ever-me
together..."

Consciousness

In God's loving presence I unwind the past day,
starting from now and looking back, moment by moment.
I gather in all the goodness and light, in gratitude.
I attend to the shadows and what they say to me,
seeking healing, courage, forgiveness.

ME...

"shameful, self-seeking
self-satisfying"
the first thoughts jump into my mind.
father I lay them down...
efforts to slake my thirst at polluted pools
heal my heart
invade the shadows,
invade my heart
heal the shadows
light me up
like a mountain sunrise
manifest your life in me.

you have also made me know
how small the fragments of my soul are strewn
across the desolation of my life's landscape
little bits weeping
wailing the loss of feeling
a solemn sacrifice to survival
help me gather them up
help me collect the shards of shattered self...
presenting them to you
I FEEL
I WEEP
I COALESCE
INTO ONE TREMBLING MASS
OF MELTING ME
how I have been abandoned
how I have been left on the heaps of life
scraps to feed me
careless nourishment for a hungry soul.
feed me father
feed me.
I eat of you
I feast on you
sustain me with your sacrifice
for me
for me
for me

now wash me clean
as I once was discarded
I now discard redundancy
tenderly...
that cloak of shameful agreement
wash me
wash me...
your child.

The Word
God speaks to each one of us individually. I need to listen
to hear what he is saying to me. Read the text a few times, then listen.

---

Genesis 46:1-7; 28-30

When Israel set out on his journey with all that he had and came to Beer-sheba, he offered sacrifices to the God of his father Isaac. God spoke to Israel in visions of the night, and said, "Jacob, Jacob." And he said, "Here I am." Then he said, "I am God, the God of your father; do not be afraid to go down to Egypt, for I will make of you a great nation there. I myself will go down with you to Egypt, and I will also bring you up again; and Joseph's own hand shall close your eyes." Joseph made ready his chariot and went up to meet his father Israel in Goshen. He presented himself to him, fell on his neck, and wept on his neck a good while. Israel said to Joseph, "I can die now, having seen for myself that you are still alive."

---

What are you saying to me, Lord?

ME...

What my enemy has intended for evil, you have turned to good. Sometimes it is a small consolation. Asked to sacrifice my life before I even knew I had it. Egypt is a lonely place Father. So, my abandonment and slavery have brought forth fruit, but the cost is high. I still pay it every day and will perhaps forever. But into your arms I commit myself. You were there with me it's true. You snatched me from the jaws of death...the second life better than the first. I will try and trust you Lord. You are father. the father. cover me..cleanse me...

Conversation

How has God's Word moved me? Has it left me cold?
Has it consoled me or moved me to act in a new way?
I imagine Jesus standing or sitting beside me,
I turn and share my feelings with him.

ME...

No, Jesus, you have not left me cold. I am a bit consoled a bit healed, and bit restored. I only hope that you-in-me will prevail... your/my heart... of course it will. My lover-king.
hold me please...

Conclusion

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
world without end. Amen.